Fade in to Red Base
Simmons: Sarge, finally, I need to tell you what the Blues are planning.
Sarge: I thought I told you idiots not to let this traitorous scumbag in the base!
Simmons: Good to see you too, sir.
Grif: We didn't let him in the base.
Sarge: He's standing right here.
Grif: Well obviously he penetrated the defensive protocol that me and Private Donut established.
Simmons: Defense protocol? You asked me what the password was.
Grif: And you knew it.
Simmons: I guessed it. By the way, the password was 'password.'
Grif: It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess!
Sarge: Diabolical.
Simmons: A password should contain at least one number, and one letter. For example, your password would be "2dumb2live".
Sarge: Excellent burn.
Simmons: Thank you, sir.
Sarge: Traitor.
Simmons: Dammit.
Sarge: Grif's stupidity aside, I'm not speaking with you until we punish your insubordination and treason.
Simmons: How about I just trade you the information that I learned from the Blues?
Sarge: No! We have to have a trial. Right here, right now.
Simmons: What? We don't even have a judge.
Sarge: Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.
Grif: What level? Municipal? Federal?
Sarge: Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason or best in breed.
Simmons: I don't recognize the authority of this court.
Sarge: No-one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.
Simmons: But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?
Sarge: Nonsense! Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people? That would be a waste of resources.
Simmons: But I'm not guilty until you hold trial and convict me.
Sarge: So you admit it's a foregone conclusion!
Simmons: No- wait, I mean no- yes-no, that was right, I think.
Grif: Okay, this is officially more boring than any of the other times I've been to court. Permission to sigh and walk away sir?
Sarge: Permission denied. If you leave, Simmons won't have anybody to defend him!
Simmons: Whowowowhoa wait a second, I prefer to defend myself.
Sarge: I knew you'd say that, and as the old saying goes, a person who chooses to defend himself, has a fool for a lawyer. And that fool is Grif.
Grif: Who's the prosecution?
Sarge: Why I am of course.
Simmons: You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest.
