basset hound nightgown t.s

Dress Fittings

I think my body has worn every single material on the planet in the last few hours, tour outfits, Grammy dresses, I feel stiff and sore. Eagerly waiting to step of this pedestal and get McDonald's in a hoodie. The headache coming on is making me want to die, I get on a plane to Chicago tomorrow and I still haven't texted Taylor back on whether she should come or not. 

She probably thinks I forgot, with is laughable considering she's all I ever think about. Her curls that appear when her golden locks have been rubbing against a pillow too long. I have dreams about twirling my fingers through the ringlets. And I wake with messages from her boyfriend about chicken wings or tennis practice. 

I think that's one of the worst parts. I adore him too. Travis is kind, and inclusive and utterly welcoming. I don't feel uncomfortable around him, unless I think about my nights with Taylor too much. Most of the time I can't remember what's real and what's dreams. Did she really hold my hand under my blanket for a whole romance movie? Did she really keep looking over at me during when harry met sally? Did she really kiss me? Did she really moan when she kissed me?

On the flipside of the coin, there is Freddie. Perfect in every way. So, comforting. So magnificent swallowing me whole and making me blush, making me feel things. With Taylor, I'm bold and safe. With him, I'm giddy and schoolgirl like. When he went back to London there was a pang in my heart. But I will be in Chicago celebrating my brother's life. So, I can't complain. 

The designer pokes a pin into my skin, and I flinch. Being brought back into the present. She mumbles and apology before taking the dress off me. I can finally slip into some sneakers and comfortable clothing. I throw my tote bag over my shoulder and slip out the studio I hope I don't have to come back to for a long time. 

I groove or more like cry to Pheobe Bridgers before ordering through a drive through and falling into my apartment. 

,,,

I'm sitting on a plane, fiddling with my rings as Taylor reads in the seat beside me. Her hair falls over her face a little as she leans over the book, intently reading. Her lips quirk up or down every now and then and I can't help but smile at how cute and calm she looks. 

We are on her private jet, she so kindly offered to take. There's a burning feeling in my throat, but I fall asleep before I can get too anxious. I wake before the plane lands, and I see Taylor staring at me. I smile at her lazily. 

"Wacha looking at milady?". 

She smiles, "You". 

,,,

Stumbling off the plane and into a sleek car takes so much of my energy. I feel like a corpse just walking. The amount of paps is painful and tedious. Everywhere we go while in Chicago we are watched.

It's when fans and paparazzi sourouns the church im currently giving a speech in that the fact being Taylor's friend will mean I'm never alone again sinks in.

She apologises profusely during the ceremony but I just give her short responses and tell her it's not her fault. I know it happened at her friend and producer Jack Antanoffs wedding I read about it online. Now it's happening to me.

At my brothers funeral.

It's not that I avoid Taylor. But I devote all my time to my grandfather after the funeral. He sits in an armchair, the dog that Jude brought Pheobe lying at his feet while I have my feet tucked under me sitting in the corner of the main couch Taylor sits at the other end there's a blanket draped over my lap.

"It's so empty" I say, intending to say it's so empty without him but not quite managing to finish the sentence. I clear my throat and Taylor looks at me sadly.

My grandfather while the strongest out of us seems very distant and meaningless here by himself.

"Why don't you move in with me...I've be looking at the market for a nice house. I- I have tuns of money." I offer and I see the sparkle in my grandfathers eye that tells me his answer before his lips do.

"This is a big house for one person and one dog" he says though and I look up at him surprised. "So I've already thought of all that. And there is a retirement home for people past there use by dates like me. The dog us welcome to I've already organised everything poppet."

I feel winded. Truly knocked around. "You should've told me" I choke out angrily but pitifully.

"Lucie you would've found a way to stop me. Now it's already done".

I run a wild hand through my hair angrily tears fighting to push through. "This is too far Pops. God, your gonna live out the rest of your years in Chicago alone? And what just see me once a year. I never said anything when Jude was alive because i knew he had to be here for the treatment. And I shouldn't complain because I left. I know that but im- im so so lonely in the big city. I have Cally and Taylor and that's it!"

My grandfather looks at a loss for words. "Luce, lets take a breather". Taylor says patting Pheobe as she walks me out the room and smiles sadly at my grandfather. Once we are in the hallway I bring my hands to my face emotions strangling me. "Lucile, I get where your coming from, but he's just lost a grandson he raised, he's alone here too. You can't fight. You have to work through this together. Luce, just he wants his independence you can see that".

"So he's going to a fucking retirement home?!?" I snap and she purses her lips.

"Maybe that's what he needs" she says.

"Taylor you don't get to say things like that. You don't get it you have all your family with you most of the time. They gave up there life for you. They do everything for you. Fuck Tay. Sometimes you can't fix everything. There's alot you don't know. There is alot I don't tell you."

I can see the storm being lit in her eyes. "Like what Lucile! What big secret have you been keeping from me" she scoffs.

I shake my head at her crying. "You know what it's fine. Thanks for coming to the funeral today. Means alot. But Taylor you really don't know much about me. My favorite color, my history, basically anything. And maybe its shitty of me to say that because the whole world knows everything about you. But just. Stop mixing!" And for the second time j walk away from her in tears after a fight that puts us both in the wrong.

And it's sitting in my room that I dial Freddie. He picks up really quick. "Hey love you alright. I'm in the middle of a shoot. It's late at night over there isn't it you should be asleep. I was going to call you tonight; it'll be morning for you to ask about the funeral. I've seen pictures online of the crowds I'm really- that's pretty shitty Lucile I'm honestly sympathetic".

I sniffle and I know he hears it. "Sorry, I'll let you get back to work".

"No no wait. Is something wrong are you okay?". Pounding silence. "Love? Talk to me Lucile".

"I just uh, got into a fight with Taylor." I admit and he sighs sadly.

"I'm not going to ask of you dotn want me to. But just, no matter what it was about or who was right or wrong. Today must have been a big day. And emotions are running wild for everyone. So just sleep on it Baby. Get some rest and re-evaluate in the morning. Breathe."

I laugh through my tears.

"What?" Ha asks sounding worried.

"You're so perfect, Freddie".

"I would disagree but if I just got you to smile then I guess I am pretty great". He jokes and I chuckle again.

"There you go. There is the angelic laugh. Get some sleep baby. And call me if you need me. Any time, any time zone".