Two Intertwining Melodies (Will Ramos)

XXVI.

The days seemed to go by at a glacial pace. Each morning I woke and remembered the loss, it would tear a hole right through my chest.

Danny was gone - a victim of his own mind.

The signs were there and I felt partly to blame. Remorse weighed heavy on me.
If only I'd invited him to stay with us for a while. If only I'd spoke with him more than a few times a week on the phone.
If only I'd truly seen through his jokester mask.
If only I'd taken his loneliness more seriously.
If only I'd been a better friend.
If only he was still here.

Will tended to me like an infant, ensuring I ate, holding me until I cried myself to sleep each night and even having to bathe me when I seemed catatonic.

Hearing Danny's mother sob at his funeral cut through me like a knife. All the somber faces were burned into my memory, I felt I'd failed everyone there. Chatter surrounded me at the wake but I paid no attention, staring vacantly into my glass.
Will roused me from my trance to tell me it was time to go home, where our usual life would soon have to resume.
It didn't seem right. It wasn't fair.

A couple of weeks went by, worried about my constant state of sorrow Will insisted I speak with a therapist.

"This isn't healthy, baby." One hand gently cradled mine, his other cupped my face. "I love you so much and I can't watch you unravel anymore. I miss him too but Danny wouldn't have wanted this, he loved you."

I nodded wordlessly.

"I need you to come back to me, sweetheart. We can't live in this mausoleum forever." He sighed. "I miss my wife."
A whole new wound opened up at his words. I'd burdened him with keeping me alive, while he too was mourning a friend. I wasn't there for him in the slightest.

They say you don't truly know someone until you've moved in with them, seen them totally enraged and gone through the loss of a loved one together.
If that is the case, he must have thought me totally useless.

I looked at Will properly for the first time in over a week. His eyes weary, his face weighed down with concern - he seemed as broken as I was.
I was torturing him.

"I'm sorry" I croaked.

"Please don't apologise." He shook his head faintly. "You've done nothing wrong."

"I've been a bad wife, I-"

"Never say that." His hand came to rest at the back of my head, stroking my hair. "It's not true at all. You've lost someone who means a lot to you, he was a big part of your life." He took a slow breath. "You're the biggest part of mine though and I'd be a shitty husband if I let you carry on neglecting yourself. I know you have this false sense of blame but there's nothing you could've done. You need to know that you had no hand in this. You were the best friend he could have asked for, you were family." He kissed my forehead softly.

I spent the rest of the night in his arms on the couch. Will told me his favourite memories of Danny, chuckling faintly while telling them. He recalled the time we'd found Danny upside down in the trash chute of a hotel. He'd dropped his phone along with his bag of trash and instinctively dove headfirst after it, we had to grab an ankle each and yank him out of there. A laugh escaped, the sound was alien to me. I hadn't laughed in so long - which would anger Danny to no end.
I began to bawl at that. He only ever wanted to lift our spirits, even when he was at his lowest.