Never felt like this before - Leah Williamson

It's not right

January - February 2022

Leah's POV - flashback to Jordan's injury

As we were playing now the second half, the rain and wind worsened, and Aston Villa were pressing us for an equalizer. I was now with the ball as I looked for my best option to pass, and as I give the ball towards Kim, just in a second I see Jordan go down, grabbing her knee.

At that moment, I stop running and go straight to her, praying that it wasn't the acl. As I reached her, I crouched down beside her, putting my arm round her back trying to calm her down, telling her not to worry until the physios and medics tell her what she's done and how long she'll be out.

I have to admit that seeing Jordan like that broke me, because even though we are not at our best, I still care about her, and I also know how much she's been struggling to get back to her highest level. And now seeing her picking up another injury, it just makes me think how unfair sometimes life can be. But as Jordan is stretched off, I reassure her that everything will be fine, she has her people to help her and be there for her. As she was now subbed off, Olivia entered the game. She had her game face on, however I was still worried about Jordan, this injury could make her lose the opportunity of being called up for the Euros.

-

As soon as the final whistle went down, I exhange some "good games" with the players near me, but quickly I ran to the medical room. While I was getting closer, I could hear the physio's voice and Jordan's sobs, slowly I leaned to the door and knock slightly to catch their attention.

"Hi, can I come in?" I ask softly, the physio looks at Jordan as if asking her the permission and Jordan just nods at me. I then go in, and stand next to her for the next hours, holding her hand, letting her know that she can count on me.

As time passed, my phone vibrated, I took it and saw a message from Olivia. Now, I know that Olivia's not a jealous person and I really thank her for that, she trusts me just like I trust her, and as I read her message I realise how much she knows me. She knows when to give me space, when to reach for me, and she understands that right now Jordan needs me. And that's why I love her.

-

One week passed since Jordan's injury, the news were soon shared with the team as soon as possible, and then to the public, it was known only 2 days ago. Everyone knew how this would affect Jordan, the messages mostly just tried to reassure her that everything will be fine and that she's strong, but we all know how bad an injury can affect someone, especially Jordan.

Whatsoever, I've been quite busy too. We've been training hard for the next fixture of against Man City for the Conti Cup, and to say I was exhausted it was a misunderstanding, I've been helping Jordan these past few days since she could barely move. So after training I would usually go to her house and stay there almost all the afternoon. However, I didn't say that to anyone, I just changed quick and head to Jordan's, no one really questioned me about that so, I didn't really think much of it. Nevertheless, what I didn't know is how much these next few weeks before England camp would make my life change.

flashback 1

"Hi, I've bought you some groceries" I say while entering Jordan's home.

"Hi, thank you Leah" Jordan said from the sofa where her leg was laying on the table since it was the best position for Jordan to be comfortable.

"I'm gonna put them in the cupboards and I'll prepare now something to eat, sounds good?" I ask

"Yeah, sounds great" Jordan says with a small smile, I nod at her and head to the kitchen that I knew too well.

Soon enough, food was done, and I brought the meal to the table, where Jordan was already sat.

"Here you have, hope you like it" I say while sitting down as well with her.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get better at cooking if you intend to stay here almost everyday" Jordan jokes, and I fake laugh at her, in a joking way obviously. "No but, Le, seriously thank you for being here and helping me, I'm really thankful for you" Jordan says, putting her hand on my thigh, in a friendly way I would like to think, and at that moment I looked up at her, we both locked eyes, and it felt almost as how it was before, the familiar feeling of me being here and moving round Jordan's house as it was mine, how I would be just walking round the kitchen while Jordan cooked dinner, at that moment it all came back. But not with the same feelings, I was with Olivia now, and I could not ask for a better partner than her. So I just nod at Jordan with a small smile.

flashback 2

"Hey, Le" Jordan calls me

"Yeah?" I ask while putting my coat

"Um... I just wanted to thank you again for literally... everything" Jordan says sincerely.

"Of course Jordan, I still care about you" I say kindly with a small smile, which she gladly returns. Slowly she comes and hugs me, her amrs around my waist due to the height difference, or that's what I like to think (again). The hug lasted more time than I would like to admit, but I didn't think any of it.

However, as I pull away, I can feel tension there, from Jordan's part she was clearly too close to me. But at that moment I cannot move, as I see her start to lean in I just stand there and one second later, I feel her lips pressing onto mine, but I don't kiss back, I just freeze but immediately guilt creeps in, Olivia the first thing coming to my mind. And so I push Jordan away and grab quickly everything in order to get out as fast as I can.

"Wait Leah-" Jordan starts

"No!" I say in an angry tone, while putting my hand in front of me so Jordan could not get closer, "You don't get to kiss me Jordan, we're not together, I'm with Olivia now, for God's sake!" I shout annoyed "And you know it, why would you want to ruin my relationship?" I ask, tears now falling from my eyes.

"Leah, no, that's not-" she starts but stops, and sighs "It's just that I thought that-" she continues but stops herself  "we've been so good together lately,  during these last few days, I've just felt like us again and the familiarity of you being here walking around as if it was your home, which obviously it was and it still is- but that's not the point, not the main one at least but-" She continues, but I just shake my head at her.

"No Jordan, listen to me, you know I'll always care for you but not in the same way as before, we were not good for each other and you know that, I almost lost Olivia because of you, we've already discussed this." I say firmly

"Leah, I know I'm not the only one that had noticed that during these past few weeks you've been helping me there has been some tension between us, how sometimes we would stare at each other or how our hugs might've last longer that they should have, and I know you've felt it too"

"No, Jordan, that's not true okay? please stop making me doubt of my feelings for Olivia, this kiss only just confirmed me how much I love her, because as soon as you kissed me I didn't feel anything, so please..." I say, catching my breath before continuing "stop interfering in Olivia's and I's relationship, please." I say softly, my eyes red for all the tears that had been falling, because how can I say what has just happened to Liv when all she's done to me is be supportive and trust me.

As I end the conversation with Jordan I leave as fast as I can, and head to my car. As soon as I get inside, I break into tears, because I know how fucked up this is. However, as I start to calm down, my phone stats to blow up with notifications of the Lionesses group, where everyone was telling about the squad which was just announced a few minutes ago, and that's when I see her name on it, she made it, she's back in the Lionesses.

I decide to sent her a message showing how proud I am of her, because it's true, and I couldn't be more happier for her.

Le <3 - Liv, I knew you were gonna be called up, I'm so happy for you my love. Can't wait to share again with you England camps and... maybe will be roommates😉

However, as I sent the message, guilt is all I feel, how could I let it happen?

-

Leah Catherine - Beth I've fucked up, I won't be going with you and Olivia to camp, I'll go earlier. See you there.

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A/N: Okay so this was the flashback and the context, and the next will be the talk :)