But Beautiful

part 29

“Are you busy?” Jungkook asked after leaning into Dr. Yoo’s office.

The man was ending a phone call but gestured for Jungkook to enter and have a seat. The resident looked around the office, legs bouncing nervously as he tried to calm his anxious feelings. He didn’t know what could come out of talking to his mentor about the situation, but he also knew he couldn’t keep it from him much longer. It had gotten much more complicated than he’d have ever wanted or imagined.

“Tell me what’s happened.”

Jungkook looked at the doctor, nodding before clearing his throat, beginning, “Taehyung took issue with the resident touching him, he said it hurt. And that the provider kept putting his fingers near his mouth? I don’t know what he could have been doing or why, but that’s one of the things Taehyung mentioned. He seems to be highly against anyone touching him, even though I told him he was going to have to get used to other residents and physicians doing therapy with him. He’s not interested. I…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath. The doctor looked at him calmly, nodding at him to continue. “I don’t know what to do. I love treating him and doing his physio. I also love spending time with him outside of a healthcare setting. I like him. I like him so much,” he spoke, blinking back the threat of tears as he tried to keep his overwhelming feelings in check. “I think I won’t be able to stop from liking him more and more. And he makes it just so hard for me. Kissing me, wanting me to be closer… and it’s so hard because I want to be closer, too, I want to kiss him, too. And I told him, I told him he couldn’t have me professionally and personally at the same time, and he cried himself to sleep. And… and he’s been talking to me a little bit. Vocally. And god, I can’t even tell you how much I love his voice. Since the first words he said to me, I’ve just loved hearing him talk when he does. He doesn’t much, but when he does… yeah. I don’t know what to do. Please, tell me what to do,” he begged, eyes barely holding onto the tears that wetted them.

Dr. Yoo was silent for a long moment, seeming to mull over everything he’d just heard. Jungkook’s heart was pounding in his chest, his stomach in knots, feeling like he might combust if his mentor didn’t say something soon.

“I can tell you a few things,” the doctor began, leaning back in his chair and looking at the resident. “Firstly, I think that his comfort with you is exacerbating how clingy he is with you. Since I know virtually nothing about his personality, or his thoughts or feelings, I can’t determine if it’s an attachment problem or if it’s organically growing interest. The problem is, you’ve been telling me for a while now that he’s crossed boundaries with you, so that makes it harder to tell. I’ve got a new psychiatrist coming tomorrow, but I’m not very optimistic that Taehyung will be so open with her. You know more about him than anyone, and you have more educational experience in psychiatry than I have. So, please consider everything you know about him and how he’s expressed his feelings for you and try and draw conclusions yourself, if you can be objective about it. So, Taehyung’s feelings for you aside, let’s continue, because I can’t comment much on it.”

Jungkook nodded, using his hands to rub his eyes in attempt to wipe the unshed tears away.

“But your feelings for Taehyung. You keep saying you like him, and always follow it with a ‘but’ when you should either end the sentence or continue it with something else. The fact that you always end it with a conjunction makes me feel like you’re not addressing your own feelings. Tell me, what is it that you’re so afraid of? I’m no therapist, but I am your superior, your mentor, and your friend. So let me try to help you sort through the fears you’re having.”

Taking a deep breath, Jungkook blurted with a shuddering voice, “I’m afraid of being unable to look after him. I’m afraid of losing my license before I even get it. I’m afraid of him potentially retrogressing and it being that much more difficult for a new provider to make any progress. I’m afraid of falling in love with him.”

“Ah, Jungkook. I think you already are in love with him.”

When he heard the doctor say those words, he couldn’t hold himself back anymore, beginning to cry into his open palms. “I can’t. I can’t have these feelings for him.”

“Says who? Hm?” Dr. Yoo questioned, walking around his desk to sit beside Jungkook. He leaned forward to be more level with the resident, voice quieting as he spoke a bit more gently. “Some doctor who wrote some book in the eighteen hundreds? The medical board, the licensing committee? Hm? The ramifications of engaging in a romantic relationship with a patient isn’t quite the same as it would have been back then, but the code of ethics hasn’t been reviewed or revised since the nineteen forties. Relationships have always been complex, but navigating it in a society where people are far more fluid than they’ve been in the past requires present knowledge and modern experiences. And, to be blunt about this, Taehyung doesn’t have any family or caregivers outside of this facility and nobody is going to care whether or not he’s in a romantic relationship. So while I can recite rules and regulations and codes and guidelines, I cannot tell you how to feel about him. You’re providing him care, but he’s my patient. You’re not even a licensed doctor yet. Take some time to figure out what’s happening between the two of you. Explore where it goes. But, and here is my own conjunction, I will not allow anything I deem harmful or manipulative in nature in this facility. Follow your heart but follow his lead.”

Jungkook took everything his mentor said in, the words stamping their way in his brain as his feelings waxed and waned from not caring what others think to terror for his future. He sucked in a deep breath, hiccuping before he finally looked at the other man. “Does that mean I can continue providing for him while potentially developing a personal relationship?” he sniffled, the doctor looking at him pitifully.

“I don’t know how much more clear I can be,” Dr. Yoo laughed. “Yes, Jungkook. You will continue to do his physio and provide additional treatment as we discuss, and you can explore your feelings more. I trust that you’ll never put him in a compromising situation, you’re not going to coerce him into anything, I know you’re not going to take advantage of his trust or even his outward physical advances toward you. You’re a good person, Jungkook,” he spoke, a hand clasping the resident’s shoulder. “You’re a good person and a good physician. It’s possible to be both, you know.”

Nodding, Jungkook couldn’t stop his body from trembling in overwhelming exhaustion, emotions running rampant and turning his blood into ice, chills crashing through his body from head to toe.

“Now, take a break. Go for a walk. Calm your nerves. Talk to a friend. But come back soon, I have you signed on for joint physio with Sohee and her patients.”

“Yes, sir,” Jungkook mumbled, coming to a stand while still trying to catch his breath completely. He was so blindsided by his own emotions that it actually made him dizzy, his footing unsteady before straightening out. He didn’t want to go far, maybe just walk around the back of the building. When he stepped outside, the sunlight warmed his face, and the feeling was comforting. Feeling a bit better inhaling the fresh air, he started exploring the property. He came across the courtyard that his colleague had mentioned before, taking in the cracked stone benches, a sun-weathered wooden gazebo, a crumbling stone fountain. With a little love, this area could be beautiful, he thought to himself, circling the large section of land slowly.

After about twenty minutes, he returned to the facility and headed to Sohee’s practice area to meet her for treatment.