But Beautiful

part 31

"Thank you for letting me in," Jungkook started. "And thank you for writing all of those thoughts down. It must have been hard, and it must have been hard to share it with me, too. I'll talk about what you wrote first, and then I hope you'll still hear my original thoughts I came to you with."

Taehyung nodded, his eyes still not meeting Jungkook's, although the resident could feel them on him.

"You are not stupid," he began, a hand resting over the blankets the man's legs were under. "Not at all. And I wouldn't say you were acting selfish or spoiled in the least. I don't want you to apologize for anything, especially for existing. I am so, so glad you exist, Tae," he continued, his eyes a serious gaze despite Taehyung avoiding them still. "You deserve to exist, you deserve happiness, you deserve love. You are so worthy of everything good, just like I told you earlier. There really is nothing you need to be sorry for, and nothing you don't deserve. I'm happy I came here, happy we could meet. You say your life had no substance before, and I can understand that in my own way! I never felt this excited about going to work. Of course I was always glad to provide treatment, but I'd never been so excited to. You're exciting to me. I always get this rush when I'm on my way to see you. I always hope you'll smile at me, that you might communicate with me in whatever way you feel like. I've been so excited about the trips I want to take you on and the ones we've already done. You've made me so happy, you've enriched my life so much. I'm really thankful to be a part of your life," he said. "And that's why it hurts me getting the feeling you might want to harm yourself," he added. "Implying that you may not be here in the future, or around by the time I get my license... those feel like you're unsure about your future in general. Not just your treatment or this facility. I'd like to know more about those feelings and thoughts."

The man pulled his covers up further, shivering as he seemed to listen to Jungkook.

"You haven't been bad, either. I would never, ever lay a hand on you like that if you were, anyway. But you haven't been. You haven't made me upset at all, and while I don't enjoy seeing you cry, I appreciate the chance at getting to be there with you while you do. There's nothing wrong with crying. It's an important relief and release for your soul, much like you need the relief of a release with your muscle pain. Please, don't think that you've been bad and that I'd ever punish you for anything, because I absolutely would never hurt you in any way if I could help it. I'm so happy you've opened up to me so much, so thankful you've taken the steps to communicating with me. First with the tapping, then the gestures, then the writing, and then speaking. You're amazing, Taehyung! And I need to say, your voice is so beautiful, so rich and warm and I could listen to you talk forever. So, please don't refuse to talk to me anymore. I would never want to lose that, or anything we've gotten through and to."

Finally, Taehyung looked at Jungkook, keeping eye contact for just a few seconds before looking away again.

"Another thing I wanted to bring up... I never wanted to hurt you or make you upset when I put the boundaries in place. I stepped over them as much as you did, and eventually that line became unclear. My heart and my head were in war over you," he laughed. "As corny as that sounds, it's true. My heart wanted the closeness, the personal and emotional engagements. My brain told me it was wrong, immoral, even. I never wanted to hurt you, and I'm sorry if I've been unnecessarily hurtful any time I addressed these situations."

Taehyung shook his head, looking again at Jungkook.

"But I've been doing a lot of thinking, and after communicating my immense worries and doubts with my mentor, I realized that what I want and what I think you want, are the same thing. I want to keep treating you, I want to help you continue to achieve health outcome goals. I want to take you on trips as a reward for reaching new heights of strength, but I always want to take you out just because. Maybe to dinner, or more day trips like the street fair. I still want to go pick pumpkins with you and carve them. I went back and got your mug, but I've left it in my car in case you didn't want it right away."