Searching for my beloved

Chapter 10: Aftermath

I have a splitting headache, and my mind feels hazy, like a fog has settled in.

What happened? I was drinking at the party, and then… OMG! Bits and pieces of last night flash through my mind, each one more horrifying than the last.

Unbearable suffering from that aphrodisiac, Lily, Spencer—that bastard's repulsive touch, those terrifying memories send a shiver down my spine.

I hastily check my body with my racing heart. I’m wearing cotton pajamas.

What! What!!! What!!!!!

As I move slightly, a sharp pain shoots through my waist, and more intimate scenes play in my head like a twisted adult movie.

I freeze, my breath catching in my throat. What the hell! It feels like I’ve plunged into an icy lake, that horrible cold sensation creeping up my spine.

Suddenly, a hand touches me. I startle, but instead of repulsion, I feel warmth radiating through me. This warmth spreads, enveloping my body like a comforting blanket.

And then I remember him—Xavier! He came. He rescued me. But those scenes…..

Oh my God !!! Fuck !!!!!

Finally, I recall my answer to his last question. I called him Xavi! I ceaselessly praised him! I told him that I like him!!!

But wait… shit… I really don’t. I thought of him as my closest person, my guardian angel. I never fantasized about him as a love interest.

In both human and angelic terms, I have no experience in romance. I’ve never loved anyone romantically. I don’t know anything about love or sex.

But here I am, having directly scored a one-night stand, and the most pathetic part is that it was initiated by me.

Seriously?! What was wrong with me?!

I look at Xavier’s sleeping face, his long eyelashes casting shadows on his sharp nose, his thin lips perfectly shaped. His handsomeness is overwhelming.

And here I am, feeling utterly ordinary. If he hadn’t been with me since childhood, he might never have noticed me in a crowd. I just blabbered some strange words, and somehow, I tempted him… how could this happen?

Maybe it was just lust that drove him. What if, when he wakes up, he tells me it was all a mistake?

No, I can’t let myself be this pathetic. I promised myself I would never show my gentle, naive side again.

I won’t underestimate humans anymore. They have countless ways to destroy me, both physically and emotionally. I will be strong, apathetic from now on.

I try to get out of bed, but a strong hand pulls me back into a hug.

Suddenly, I am hit with a wave of déjà vu. This sensation feels familiar, yet I have never had any intimate contact with anyone before.

His husky voice breaks through my thoughts,
“Where are you planning to go?”

I genuinely don’t know how to face him. My heart flutters at the sound of his voice, but I know I need to change for the better.

I reply, “You knew I was drugged, right? You should have admitted me to the hospital. Why would you do something so terrible?”

“Do you think it’s terrible to be with me?” His tone sounds dangerous, and I can feel the tension in the air.

I still my heart, trying to gather my thoughts, “Yes. You are just a butler. How could you covet your master? I was delusional; you should know that. How could you take advantage of me?”

My eyes dart away, unable to hold his gaze. He cups my face, forcing me to meet his eyes directly, “Repeat that once more.”

My heart shakes at his intensity, but I refuse to be a naive little girl. I am a 200 years old angel. Merry, you have to do this. Come on!

I say to him with a stern tone, maintaining eye contact, “Know your place, Xavier.”

He looks shocked, searching for something in my eyes. I resolutely hold my gaze, determined to show no emotion.

Finally, he laughs self-mockingly. “I became complacent easily. Sorry, it’s my fault.”

-“If you understand, then release me now.”

He withdraws his hands, and I get off the bed. Before entering the bathroom, I say, “Forget everything about last night. It was an unfortunate one-night stand without any meaning.”

“Yeah, I understand. I’m going downstairs. Please be ready within half an hour. I’ll send your dress here quickly.”

“Got it.”

I close the bathroom door, and the moment I am alone, the weight of my emotions crashes down on me.

Sorry, my Xavi. I’m not really Samantha. I will leave this body one day. If the original Samantha wants to be with you, she can. But not me. Please forgive me.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I grapple with the conflicting feelings swirling inside me.

In this moment, I feel a profound sense of loss. The connection I feel with him is both intoxicating and terrifying. I want to reach out, to embrace the warmth of his affection, but I know I must protect my heart.

The fear of vulnerability grips me tightly, and I wonder if I will ever be able to truly belong anywhere.

As the water runs in the shower, I let the tears mix with the droplets, hoping to wash away the pain of this moment.

I remind myself that I am strong, that I am actually an angel - I have lived for a long time, and that I can endure this.

But the ache in my heart tells me that it won’t be easy. I'm torn between the desire for connection and the need for self-preservation, and I know that this struggle will continue to haunt me.

I'm sorry, Xavi 😔😢