First & Forever

Chapter 1: William

JANUARY

"Alright, you know what you have to do," I mutter to myself, staring at the phone on my bed as I pace back and forth.

I figured the only way to make a clear headed decision was to not see her, so I've spent the last three days painfully avoiding Elle, trying to gain clarity on what it is I should do.

I've gone back and forth, racked my brain for other options, ways to avoid this, but everything other than what I'm about to do feels selfish and with my birthday being tomorrow and school starting back in a few days, I have no other choice than to do it today. Well, tonight, since I keep delaying and it's now past 11pm.

The timing couldn't be worse, right in the middle of her season and with her waiting on the Belmont coach to call, but the longer I wait the more it's going to hurt her and I can't hide anything from Elle, especially this.

The last few days have been hell. I've worried so much that I made myself nauseous. So much so that I'm 98% certain I've developed a stomach ulcer. I can't rest. Every time I close my eyes all I see is her face as I completely break her heart. Whether it's now or slowly over the course of the next four years while she has to wait by the phone for me, it doesn't matter, both make me sick to my stomach. But at the end of the day, one is quicker, with less damage than the other and I know...

I have to end things with Elle.

I rub my head with both of my hands trying to muster the courage to do the one thing that I never imagined I would do. The one thing that I desperately don't want to do. But I can't let the way that I am, my ambition, mess up her life. I have no doubt that she'd wait on me for as long as it took, but that's part of the problem. I can't take advantage of her goodness like that. I just can't.

She needs to live her own life. One where she's not always waiting around for me. I'm going to West Point. I won't be able to put her first. Heck, I won't even be able to talk to her for six weeks. What kind of relationship is that? Especially for a girl like Elle. She deserves so much more than that. So much more than what I can give her.

I squeeze my neck with a groan. "If you love her, you'll let her go," I remind myself as I pick up the phone.

Yes, the phone.

I know I'm a coward, ending a nearly eight year relationship over the phone, but I also know that if I try to do this in person, I'll change my mind the very second that our eyes meet. God, I almost do just seeing the picture of her on my phone.

I want West Point, but I want Elle.

I want to get out of this town, but I want Elle.

I want something different for my life, but I want Elle.

I hold my thumb over her contact and take a shaky breath.

This could be the biggest mistake of my life.

But if you love her, you'll let her go.