First & Forever

Chapter 19: Eloise

FEBRUARY

"Mer! You didn't!" Piper gasps from across the table as Meredith tells us about kissing a guy at her new job.

Meredith nods gleefully. "He's the total opposite of Carter. He's so mature and I guess he should be since he's older than us, but gah, I can't stop thinking about him."

Gemma sighs. "I want an older guy. Maybe I'll find one at Duke."

Piper leans forward, pressing for more details. "So, I assume you're officially done with Carter?"

Mer huffs a laugh. "Oh, we've been done ever since he told me he's an open relationship kind of guy." She rolls her eyes. "Which, whatever. We're still friends. It was fun while it lasted."

Gemma eyes her from across the table. "You all never... right?"

Mer shakes her head vehemently. "No, thank God! It was fun and I really liked him, but thinking back I would not have wanted him to be my first time."

There's an awkward silence as Piper shifts her attention to me. "What about you, E? Has it been long enough to ask?"

"Ask what?" I say, dipping a chip in the queso bowl.

"Did you and Will ever... you know. Before everything went down?"

"Oh, no." I answer, fiddling with my napkin. "Contrary to the rumor about it being why I took the break-up so hard, no. We didn't."

"Do you wish you had?" Gemma asks. Perceptive as always.

I let out a sigh before giving my honest answer. "Kind of? I had a full panic over it one day. Like, what if we never do? What if he isn't my first time? Would I be okay with that? Like, what if I wait until I get married, but it's to somebody else and even then I wish that my first time had been with Will?" I shrug, leaning back in the booth. "I mean, I always thought he would be. Just like he was with everything else. But I didn't want him to just be my first, I wanted him to be it. Does that sound wildly unrealistic?"

They ponder my question.

"Eh, not for you two," Meredith states.

Piper gasps, flipping her blonde hair out of her face. "What if he came over today, Valentine's Day of all days, and was all... Elle James, I want you," Piper says, doing her best Will impersonation, complete with the crooked smile and intense gaze. 

I die. We all die, losing ourselves in breathless belly laughs.

"So, would you do it?!"

"Yes... No... I don't know," I say with a torn laugh, covering my face with my hands.

"Well, I think you totally should," Piper announces confidently.

"Same." Meredith chuckles. "The history you two have. I actually think you'd regret it if you didn't."

Gemma leans an elbow on the table. "True. Think about it... Even if you end up with someone else, how would you not forever wonder what it would have been like with him?"

"Trust me, I've had all of those thoughts. But it doesn't matter. We're just friends, remember?" I say with a bitter laugh.

They exchange glances and then hit me with knowing smiles.

"Please. You two?" Gemma says.

"Yeah, not buying it. We've seen you guys," Meredith adds.

"The way that boy still looks at you?" Piper cocks a brow. "You're not friends, E. You two could never just be friends."

*****

WPR: Happy Valentine's Day, Elle. Hope you had a good day.

Me: You too, Will! See you in the morning.

I reread the text exchange between us from late last night, relieved that Valentine's Day landed on a Sunday this year, because having to spend it at school could have been rough.

My family and friends gave it their best shot to distract me with my favorite chocolate-covered cherries and flowers from Dad, adorable hand drawn cards from my brothers, lunch with my friends, and a movie night with Mom and Emely.

I tried not to think about Will too much, but that's far easier said than done. 

No matter how hard I try, day or night, all I do is dream about him. Heck, this morning I woke up blushing at how vivid my dream was. The look in his eyes, his voice, his touch. It's all on a never ending loop in my mind and Valentine's Day weekend only proved to up it. Especially since he always made me feel so special when it came to Valentine's Day. Heck, I don't even have memories from the last time we didn't have each other to celebrate with, so not seeing him felt like the most unnatural thing in the world.

I look at the text again and smile. It's a dangerous thought, but maybe he had been lying in bed thinking about me too.

I sort through a stack of laundry that I still need to put away and smile to myself when I see the new hot pink bra. The revenge bra, if you will.

You didn't really think that strap showing was a coincidence, did you?

Yeah, Will probably didn't either, but that was kind of the point. It seemed to have worked, too, setting off a chain reaction of heavy flirting and tension ever since.

I must confess, as much as I miss how we used to be, the place we're at right now is pretty fun.

We've always been playful and had an easy banter between us, but we've never been here before. The tension in trying to resist each other, the challenge in seeing just how far we can push until the other breaks, getting as close as we can without actually touching and then the crazy high every time that we do. It's a new kind of high and Lord help me, I like it.

Am I playing with fire? Yeah, no doubt. And maybe I should be more cautious. I mean, he did completely shatter my heart. But I don't know... Something about the recklessness of it feels good. Different from the steadiness of the last eight years, but good. And it's not like I'm looking to move on from him right now anyway. As long as we're in the same place, at the same time, I've decided there's no use in even trying. This thing is always going to be there between us so why not have fun with it while we can?

I look through my closet for today's weapon of choice and decide to go for pure nostalgia with what I know are his favorite jeans and a fitted, sweetheart neck sweater in the same green as our very first date.

I get dressed, tousle my loose curls with perfume, and adjust my necklace, pleased at how the sweater shows it off. I turn in the mirror checking how it looks when I do what has become my most effective move, pulling my hair around to the front when he's behind me. It seems to be his kryptonite and I will happily use it until he officially breaks.