First & Forever

Chapter 3: William

JANUARY

I lean my head back against the headrest as I brace myself for the lone walk into school. "I am so not okay," I groan under my breath.

It's been five days since I've seen or spoken to Elle and every one of them I've woken up with immediate regret, followed by a torturous seesaw of did I or did I not do the right thing.

Her voice on the phone that night, the last goodbye? I've never felt worse in my entire life. So much so that I tossed and turned all night that night debating whether West Point was even worth all of this, the answer to which I'm still not certain.

I spent the last two days with the guys trying to find anything to distract from my own thoughts and, of course, it hasn't worked. She's in every corner of my mind. Every place I go, every thing I do, every thing I don't do, it all just makes me think of her.

I haven't told anyone about the break-up yet. Well, other than my parents when I had to explain why she wasn't coming with us to my birthday dinner. Which, as you can imagine, was a very solemn affair. When we got home there was a gift at the door and the card? Jesus. It ripped my heart right out.

It wasn't so much what she wrote, but what she didn't write that got me.

In eight years, I don't think I've ever gotten a note from Eloise James that wasn't full of exclamation points, doodles, or ended with a big, drawn out I love you. Then I started to think about what kind of person would still give me a gift after I completely blindsided them and, even now, my jaw tightens with emotion at the thought.

She has every right to hate me, to be mad or upset, to say whatever she wants to say, do whatever she wants to do, but even in heartbreak, she's the picture of grace, and that actually makes it hurt worse.

So much worse.

I look down at our text thread on my phone seeing where I sent her a text that night. Thank you for the gift - Five words, that's all it said. And she replied with one word - Always.

That night, and every night after, I desperately wanted to ask her if she was okay, to call and hear her voice again, but I knew how idiotic that was. Of course she isn't okay, neither of us are, and we probably won't be for a long time. I figure the only thing that can help us both recover is distance, but unfortunately - and fortunately - that's not an option.

I drop my phone and keys into the pocket of my new coat and close my eyes at the thought of her going back to buy it for me, knowing its intention was for my move to West Point. I went back and forth on whether or not I should wear it or even accept it, but ultimately decided that I would want her to keep wearing her necklace, so I would wear the coat as a sort of sign that we are still friends and very much connected.

I get out of the car, the cold and dreary day matching my mood perfectly, and walk through the half empty parking lot into the school. Once again, call me a coward. I got here earlier than usual to try and avoid an awkward run in with her first thing this morning, but as I walk in I'm wondering if that was the right move. Seeing her is going to hurt like hell no matter when or where it is, but I don't trust myself to be alone with her out of fear that I'll take it all back.

Turning down the senior wing, I make my way to the locker we've shared all year. Elle's locker. I want to make sure I didn't leave anything she might have to deal with today. I put in the combination, open the door, and feel the tightness in my chest return at the pictures she put up on the first day. My mind starts to spiral, yet again.

God, this sucks.

Why am I the way that I am? Why couldn't I just go with the flow and enjoy what we had until the day I had to leave? Why do I have to worry so much? Why do I have to go to West Point? Why couldn't we have just met when we were older and didn't have to go through all of this? I rub my head and remind myself of the only answer that matters.

It's not fair to her. If you love her, you'll let her go.

I grab my binder and a book from last semester that I still need to return. Taking a second, I debate whether or not I should go ahead and take down the pictures and notes so she doesn't have to see them, but I don't think that's my place. This is her locker, not mine.

I pull my new class schedule out of my bag and wonder how I'm going to make it through the day. If I can't look at a picture of her without hating myself, how am I going to stand seeing her in every single class?

I'm going to have to fake it.

Fake that I'm okay, until the day comes that I can bear it. There's really no choice.

And how are we going to deal with people finding out?

The gossip and rumor mill - It's going to be brutal, especially for her, if people start saying I was the one that ended things. I think it through and decide I won't say anything until she does. I'll let her be the one to break the news, however she wants. And maybe she already has. Maybe her friends already know and if that's the case, it's only a matter of time before the whole school does.

I take one more long look at the photos of us wishing it were all as simple as it was then and decide to hide out in my homeroom before I see her first block.

God, this place is depressing. Or is it just me?

Walking through the hall, I notice how dilapidated and just plain sad everything is in this school. I've never liked it here, that's no secret, but it's also never bothered me as badly as it does right now and there's no doubt in my mind that it's because I always had Elle. Somehow having her next to me brought color to this hopeless place and if I'm being honest, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive it without her.