First & Forever

Chapter 4: Elosie

JANUARY

"Okay, it's okay. You can handle this." I shake my hands out, turning as I pace back and forth, gathering myself in the locker room before walking to first block alone for what feels like the first time in four years.

The days since Will ended things have been a blur of emotions. If I was lucky to get to sleep, I'd wake in a panic remembering what our new reality was. Used to, I would wake up smiling because the first thing I would think of was Will. Now, I wake up crying because the first thing I still think of is Will.

The bell rings letting out homeroom and I stall as long as I can. My M.O. for the day it seems. 

This morning, I figured if I got here a little later, the ball would be in his court. 

In my highly romanticized version of the morning, I envisioned that he'd be standing at his car waiting for me like he always has to say he takes it all back, but he wasn't there. And the fact that he wasn't made me feel sick, so I spent all of homeroom hiding in the locker room, nervously pacing back and forth trying to talk myself through our first interaction.

I have three goals: don't tear up, don't look away, and don't be awkward. At the rate today is going, it's a tall order.

I've spent the last five days replaying our entire conversation from that night, haunted by the words he kept repeating. If only we were older. It's not fair to you. It's too much. And goodness - if only we were older - that's the one that cuts the deepest.

I used to think that the way we fell in love so young was the absolute best way. We were lucky, right? But now, after this? I think it may be the cruelest. To fall so hard, so young, knowing you want forever, but are still worlds away from it. To know what the purest kind of love is just to have it ripped out from under you due to a technicality? It's like giving someone the most delicious dessert they've ever had, then telling them they can never have it again. How does anything ever match up? How do you convince yourself you have everything you need when you know exactly what it is you're missing?

I adjust the tie on my dress and make my way down the hall to the computer lab for first period. We have our first game after the holidays tonight requiring us to dress up, so I pulled myself together as much as I could, but it feels weird. A dress and heels is quite the departure from Will's sweatshirt and the tall socks I've been living in for the last five days.

The only time I left my room was to go to practices and when I dropped Will's birthday present off at his door while I knew he was at dinner with his parents. Meredith and Piper asked me to hang out, but I didn't have it in me. I haven't told them yet. I haven't told anyone, not Meredith or Emely, no one other than my mom and that was only because I had to explain why I wasn't going to Will's birthday dinner. Having to say it out loud? It broke my heart even more. I asked Mom not to mention it again until Will and I saw each other today, in case it was just a freak out moment, but I heard the conviction in his voice on the phone that night. He's convinced himself he's doing the right thing. Which, let me clarify...

He's not.

Walking down the hall, I panic a little on the inside wondering if everyone already knows. I turn back to the locker room. Maybe I can just go home sick. It's not a lie, I absolutely feel sick. But then I couldn't play tonight and I have to play tonight. I'm sure the Belmont coach is still watching my stat line and I can't mess that up, no matter how I feel. 

Dang you, William Rhodes. Dang you. Dang you. Dang you.

I turn again and continue on to class with no choice but to face reality. 

I haven't been ready to acknowledge it, still in the phase of willing every car I hear coming down our street, every footstep on the stairs, and every text that lights up my phone to be him. Hoping that somehow, someway he changes his mind.