First & Forever

Chapter 7: Eloise

JANUARY

"Elle, sweetheart, you doing okay?" I hear mom ask over my music while I finish getting ready for school.

"Yeah, doing okay," I answer, bubbly enough that she'll buy it. It's a total lie. I'm definitely not okay. Absorbing the shock, maybe, but still not okay.

The first week back at school post break-up did me in. Having to see him, be near him, every day and not act like I'm hopelessly in love with him is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's exhausting, and playing three games a week, still waiting on a call from the Belmont coach is just the cherry right there on top.

I thought the weekend would be a nice reprieve, but it was worse. So much worse. All I did was think about him and then fight not to think about him, until I finally just gave in and decided to give myself one more weekend to wallow. And wallow I did.

Meredith, Piper, and Gemma stayed over after our game Friday night. We stayed up eating chips and queso, trying weird facemasks, and watching all of the best tragic love stories: Titanic, The Notebook, A Walk To Remember. The thought was that maybe if I could get all of my tears out at the movies, I'd have none left. It worked for all of 12 hours, until Eli and Emett asked if Will was coming over to play and my heart shattered all over again.

I spent most of Saturday and Sunday either in bed or the driveway shooting more free throws while I listened to my WPR playlist. Total torture, but the torture I still wanted.

I tried not to wear Will's sweatshirts around the house, at the risk of looking too tragic, but when I entered the privacy of my own room I immediately slipped one on, rotating between which still smelled more like him.

If it sounds like I'm having trouble letting go, it's because I am. The way it ended so abruptly, so senselessly? I just keep watching for headlights, waiting for him to show up asking if it's too late for him to take it all back. And truly? That's all it would take. If he would just show up, I'd wrap my arms around his neck and move forward like none of this even happened.

"Elle, come on. I can't be late. I have a test," I hear Emely call as she passes my room.

I follow her down the stairs. "Right behind you. Do you have all of your stuff for the game? We won't have time to come home before."

She gives me a playfully pointed glare. "I've got it all, Mom. I can take care of myself, you know."

"See you tonight! Chins up!" Our actual mom says from the door and I cringe at how obvious she is. I know my silence on the break-up is killing her, but I'm still processing it all myself and apparently I go pretty internal when these things happen.

Emely eyes me from the passenger seat. "So... Are you okay?" she asks hesitantly.

"No," I say simply, letting my guard down in front of my little sister for the first time in a long time.

"You miss him?"

"Every day," I admit, feeling my eyes burn even thinking about seeing him again this morning.

"I'm sorry. But seriously, it's his loss," she says sincerely, leaning over to fix the hair that's gotten stuck in the collar of my coat. I glance over at her, a little surprised at how easily she said that.

I take a deep breath as I pull into the senior parking lot. Emely jumps out of the car and then looks back at me. "Text me if you need me, okay?"

I nod. "Good luck on your test."

I glance to my left and see Will's car already in his parking spot. Closing my eyes, I take a second before heading in. "You've got this. Week two. The worst is over," I remind myself as I adjust the necklace I haven't taken off since he put it back around my neck. At first it felt weird wearing something that held so much meaning when he first gave it to me, but it quickly became a comforting reminder that all of what we had was real and worth remembering.