First & Forever

Chapter 11: Eloise

FEBRUARY

"Elle, sweetheart, could you eat?" Mom asks, from the front of the car.

"Still not that hungry, but sure. I'll try," I say, staring out the window.

"What sounds good, Weeze?" Dad asks, looking back at me in the rear view mirror.

"Anything. You all pick," I say quickly, trying to disassociate from the memories that this drive brings up.

This is the second time in six months that I've been alone with my parents, third if you count the Belmont trip with Will, and it feels weird every time. It's a random Tuesday afternoon and Dad took off work so they could spend the day with me.

It's been a week since my entire world fell apart and decided to take my immune system down with it. My parents have been bending over backwards trying to cheer me up with little to no avail. So, now that my physical self is on the mend, they're trying to heal my emotional self with the only sure thing they've got left... Retail therapy.

A shopping trip to the outlets, to be exact. Yep, those outlets. I didn't want to say anything when they seemed to be so proud of the idea, but if they knew how much this drive makes me miss Will, they would have gone in the opposite direction.

Not like that would have helped much. If I've learned anything from my sick bed this week, it's that out of sight does not mean out of mind.

I look up and catch Dad watching me in the rear view mirror, concern filling his eyes. I force a smile. I know they're doing their best and to be honest, the awkwardness is totally my fault. They're working without all of the information, but I can't bring myself to tell them the extent of what's been going on.

As far as they know, this is just some catastrophic break-up blues paired with disappointment over Belmont not working out. They know about Will moving on with Haley, but they don't know much more. They don't know about the cruel notes, the relentless rumors, the feeling of being betrayed by nearly everyone in my life, the way Coach Radler keeps using it, or the hopeless feeling that I might be stuck like this forever.

I haven't told anyone about the notes and I don't plan to. At this point, I just stop at the little convenience store on my way home and throw them away.

What good would it do? If I told my parents, it would upset them and the last thing I need is for any one of the leadership at school to get involved. The words in the notes are no worse than what Radler yells on the court and yet every principal and school board member we have stands around watching him do it, so why would this be any different?

Answer? It wouldn't. It would only draw more unwanted attention and I've got enough of that as it is.

Last night, I asked Emely to give me a rundown of the rumors around school so I'm prepared when I go back tomorrow. People clearly don't need anything else to talk about. Evidently I've been pregnant, depressed, beat up, moving, and heaven knows what else over the last week.

The only one that's remotely accurate is the one about me being depressed, but how else was I supposed to feel when my entire belief system went shifting like tectonic plates beneath me?

I've always been so grounded and certain in what I believe, but all of a sudden everything started to feel like a lie. Everything that I was so certain of. My belief in fate, in love, in myself, in Will, even in God...all shaken.

I did everything I could to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect teammate, the perfect recruit, the perfect girl. And look where that got me.

I couldn't stop thinking about what that meant about me as a person. I'm a self-assured, idealistic dreamer. An eternal optimist, always seeing the good in the world. But am I? Would someone like that be taken down by something like this? Would someone like that feel this overwhelmed? This unsure? And is there even any good left to be found?