First & Forever

Chapter 8: William

JANUARY

"Rhodes, hold up!" I hear Carter call down the hall, but I keep walking like I don't hear him. If there were ever a day to skip, it would have been today, but thanks to a test we have second block, that's not an option.

My love life is all anyone's talked about since yesterday and all I want to do is hide. Well, hide and go back in time to undo the absolute mess I've made.

Carter claps me on the shoulder as he catches up. "Where'd you go yesterday? We were waiting for you up at the field."

I shrug him off. "I had something. Listen, I'm not in the mood," I say coolly, walking into first block, my stomach tightening at the thought of facing Elle again.

Carter lets out an amused laugh. "Don't tell me you're pissed at me for helping you move on. Dude, you had to do something. You had no choice."

"It was a choice. The wrong one. No thanks to you," I groan with more resentment than I thought I had.

His brows shoot up his forehead. "Damn, Rhodes. I was just trying to help. You didn't have to go and it's not like I forced you to kiss the girl. That was all you, man," he points out, turning in his chair. I cringe at the fact that that's public knowledge. I didn't tell him I kissed her. I didn't tell anyone. But he's right. This is no one's fault but my own.

I prop my elbows on the desk and drop my head between my hands remembering Elle's words from yesterday, the hurt in her eyes still haunting me. What the hell was I thinking? How could I have hurt her like that? Me. The one that would protect her with my life. When did I become the one she needs protecting from?

I look up, feeling her presence in the room as she walks through the door. What do I do? What do I say?

She glances around the room before letting out a breath and sitting in the chair beside me. I'm sure she would change seats with someone if she didn't think it would draw even more attention to herself and that's a gut punch in and of itself.

"Hey... Are you okay?" I ask hesitantly, not knowing what else to say. And in the worst of timing, my phone buzzes on the table in front of me. She glances at the phone and then up at me, the same pained look still in her eyes, but worse because I can tell she hasn't slept.

She fixes her gaze on the computer in front of her and my whole body aches when I notice her bare collarbones. She's not wearing her necklace. "Let's not do this, Will. It's awkward enough. I'll be fine."

Reluctantly, I check my phone and it's exactly who I was afraid it was - Haley. Ever since she got my number from Carter it's been a steady stream of awkward texts. At first I felt like a jerk if I didn't respond, so I did, keeping things short. But let's be honest, I have no idea how this works. Am I giving her the wrong idea by texting back? Am I a dick if I don't respond at all? Up until now, Elle was the only girl I'd ever really talked to and it was always so different with her. Things just flowed. And God, I miss it. I miss her.

I watch her from my periphery as class begins, but the way she's letting her hair fall in front of her ear makes it impossible to see her face. I resist the urge to reach over and push it back, to pull her chair closer to mine and try to explain everything.

Yesterday, I had this whole speech planned out. I was going to tell her how badly I'd messed up, how I drove straight to her house that night but turned around unsure of how to tell her. I was going to tell her how much I miss her, how confusing everything has become without her, how freaked out I am about West Point, how wrong I was to have ended things the way that I did, and how completely in love with her I still am. I was going to ask if there was any possible way she could forgive me and see if we could somehow move past it all. But when I saw the look in her eyes, the hurt that I caused, I knew it wasn't going to be enough. How could it be? How could anything be?

So, I didn't say it. I barely said anything before she walked away. And I don't blame her. She has every right to hate me. Hell, I hate me.

Somehow, I found a way to ruin all that we had built up in just ten days' time. Now, all of the memories, the words, even the necklace is probably tainted in her mind and I don't know how to explain to her how real it all was. How real it still is.

I didn't end things with her to date other girls or see what else was out there. What I told her was every bit the truth. I love her too much to leave her here waiting. To not be able to give her what she deserves. I had every intention of keeping my head down, throwing all of my time and energy into preparing for baseball season and West Point. So how and why did I completely lose my footing?

The substitute teacher calls roll and puts our assignment on the screen at the front of the class.

No.

Please, God, of all days. Not today.

"Alright. Looks like your assignment today is 500 words on where you see yourself in five years and what steps you can take to get there," the sub reads.

I immediately feel sick, noticing Elle shift uncomfortably in her chair.

I look down at my keyboard, flashing back to that moment on the bridge. The moment that I told her, with full confidence, that in five years I was going to marry her. The way she looked at me like I hung the moon. The way she smiled like I was the only thing she'd ever need. She may never look at me the same again. Never smile at me like that again.

I close my eyes, haunted by the montage of us. The long car rides, the stadium tunnel, that night at the drive-in, holding her in my arms at sunrise, the car that night in the rain, her birthday, the roof, our first kiss in my closet, the girl who burrowed her way into my soul a little more each and every time she laughed. No matter how confused I was or how badly I wanted out of this town, how could I have let all of that go? How could I have let her go?

Finishing the assignment, I watch her turn in her paper and leave class early. I want to follow her, to check on her, but what could I possibly say? I'm the last person she wants to talk to right now. So I have to leave her alone, right? Isn't that the least I can do at this point? Give her as much space as I can? Let her hate me? I won't try to explain myself or justify my actions, I'll keep a low profile at school, avoid the gym if possible, and not go to any more of her games. I'll give her the space and time to hate me. It's going to suck, but I'll stick to my original intention and keep busy by focusing on getting ready for baseball and West Point.

I pull up her picture from the bridge that day in my camera roll. Total torture, but the torture I still want.