First & Forever

Chapter 5: William

JANUARY

"Rhodes, you with us today?" Carter asks, jarring me from my thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry," I reply, moving into the batting cage.

He rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me she's still in your head, man. It shouldn't be taking this long."

I grunt, swinging out my frustration. "It's only been ten days."

The fact that I know that should tell you that it's been ten very long days.

The first week back at school was brutal. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it turned out to be even harder than I expected. I had every intention of going into the new semester, talking and walking to classes together like we always have. Friend stuff, right? But after our first interaction on Monday, I knew there was no way I had the restraint for it.

The moment I leaned in to clasp the necklace around her neck I nearly folded. Being that close to her, smelling her perfume, looking into those emerald eyes, feeling the pull we've always had between us - It made me want to forget every single thing I'd said and why I'd said it. I mean, I almost kissed her right there in class, so I knew I had to back way off.

And, God, avoiding her? It hurts like hell.

Especially when I thought I wouldn't see her again that day, but then saw her through the auxiliary gym window, shooting in her dress and tights all alone. I know why she shoots free throws like that, so it took everything in me not to burst through the door and wrap her up in my arms, but I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to walk away.

It's probably been the hardest week of my life and that includes the week after my parents told me an Ivy League wasn't in the cards for me. At least then I had Elle. I'm frustrated, sad, confused, and yeah, I'm totally spiraling. About the break-up, about West Point, and the only person that I've ever been able to talk through stuff like this with is now the one person that I can't.

And because of that, I feel lost.

That's the only way I know to put it. The past week and a half, I've felt lost. Like I don't really know who I am or what it is I'm doing anymore. I've always been restless, incapable of not worrying, especially about the what ifs. I'm prone to discontent, always wondering if the grass is greener, always wanting to tackle what's next.

But when it came to Elle? I was never that way.

She was my constant.

Always has been and I thought, always would be. 

In all of the frustration and unknown and what ifs, when I was with her I was at peace, brought back to a level place. I never dreamed I'd let that go. I meant what I said on her birthday, she was my north star. The light to my dark. Always there, always steady. And now, without her? Nothing seems to make sense. It's just clouds of confusion that seem to be getting thicker by the day.

"I told you what you need to do. It's the only way to get past this shit. You know it, I know it, we all know I'm right," Carter starts from across the batting cage. "You're just hung up on her because she's all you've ever known. What you need is to hang with someone else, then you'll realize she's just another girl," he says confidently, pointing his bat in my direction.

I rub my neck, tired of hearing everyone's opinions on the matter.

"He might be right, Rhodes. You've never even looked at another girl. It may be the only way to break this hold you two have always had on each other. You've got tons of options, man. You don't think she'll have other options, too? If you don't try to move on first..." Graham pauses, shaking his head. "Then you'll really be in hell."

Her moving on?

With someone else?

God, I feel sick at the thought of her with anyone other than me.

"I don't know," Hudson adds. "Elle James isn't just another girl."

The sound of her name makes my chest tighten.

"Oh, please. Hud, you don't get a vote. Everybody knows you've had a thing for her for years." Carter howls a laugh. "Hell, it's probably why you went after her sister." 

I look at Hudson and shrug my shoulders like I already knew. Which I did.

"I say we get on that IG of yours and hit up some of the Middlebury cheerleaders to meet up tonight," Carter exclaims as we walk to the clubhouse.

"Oh, the blonde that's always finding you at games. You know she'd be down," Hudson says, swapping sides awfully quick, even for him.

"She always has pictures up with those other two. You know which I'm talking about," Carter adds, nudging Hud in the arm.

I toss my gloves in my locker, shaking my head. "I'm not going there."

"Okay, okay. You're right. Too much, too soon. Someone you already know then. Ease you in. We'll all go. Make it a group thing." Carter eyes me looking for my confirmation. "Come on, man. Can't say no to that one. You've got no choice," he says, gripping my shoulders and mentally exhausted, I begin to think it over.

What if they have a point? 

Maybe being around someone else will help me get out from under this dark cloud. Maybe I do need to see what else is out there. Maybe I was just so far in my relationship with Elle that I couldn't see outside of it. I've got to do something and Graham's right, she'll have options. Plenty of them. If I haven't pulled myself out of this by the time she moves on, I'll be done for.

I pinch my brows at Carter. "It's a group thing?"

His face lights up. "Yeah, man. It's a group thing."

I let out a breath and drop my head back. "Alright. Let's do it," I say wearily, waving the white flag.