Big Time Hangout

Part 23

He slowly came in the door, ringing his hands, "I think I finally have an answer."

I looked at him questioningly and he continued, "Well IF you didn't choose me I would say you would be best with...James I mean Logan I mean Kendall..."

I laughed, "I need ONE name Carlos."

He shook his head, "It's just so hard. If you could take different parts of each of us and roll them into one then you would have the perfect guy." he joked.

I laughed, "That's why I tried dating all of you."

He got a straight face, and I stopped laughing, "To soon?" I asked.

He smiled, "Na it's all good." He hesitated and continued, "I honestly have to say...If I had to rate the three of them where you were concerned...It would be Kendall then Logan then James." he hesitated again, "But of course I'm always going to be number one." he joked.

I laughed, "Well of course. I wouldn't expect anything different."

He helped me finish up breakfast and we all sat down to eat.

As we were eating the conversation was light and flowing but I couldn't shake this feeling washing over me of sadness and regret. How did I get here? Where am I going? What am I going to do? David deserves the world, but will I be able to give it to him? If I make the wrong decision will David hate me when he gets older?

I finally couldn't take anymore. The questions running through my head were driving me crazy. I stood up and excused myself, walking out of the cabin and to the porch swing. I sat down and started to slowly take deep breaths in and slowly blowing out. This routine had helped me the last several months when I got stressed so it was worth a shot now. I glanced out over the snow-covered mountains and thought about what life would be like if I could just stay hidden here and never go back to the real world.

I heard the door open and looked over to see Logan coming out, "Are you okay ma?" he asked.

I couldn't help but smile at that, "Yeah I will be. It's just all so overwhelming you know?"

He walked over to the swing, sitting next to me and taking my hand, "I completely understand. I'm right there with you." he paused and then added, "But isn't it such a wonderful ride?" he asked.

I could feel the tears stinging my cold cheeks and he immediately wrapped me in his arms, "Come on now. It's all going to be okay. All we can do is our best and it won't matter." He said stroking my hair.

I pulled away from him, "But Logan if I make the wrong decisions then David will never forgive me."

He laughed, "Sweetheart he is only a couple days old. He isn't going to know the difference."

The tears started to fall faster, "But one day he will be all grown up and I don't want to make the wrong decisions now and him hate me when he is older."

He lifted me up off the swing and set me in his lap, "Sweetheart you have to understand it's not going to matter to him. He is already going to have the most loving family and siblings that anyone can ask for. Whatever you decide will be normal to him by the time he is older."

For the first time since I went out to the swing I had to smile, "Siblings?" I questioned.

He smiled at me trying to take back his words, "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm talking about. I didn't mean it like that."

I giggled, "I never said I wanted more kids."

He kissed me on the nose, "Then you don't want to pick me. I want to have at least one more. So even if you don't have more kids he will still have siblings."