Whiskey, On The Rocks

twenty five

Taylor

Travis knew something, I knew he did. He was silent as the doctor let me go, telling me to take painkillers and wait for the bleeding to pass. 

I felt like the physical representation of the word 'hollow'. I felt empty, scraped clean, not like myself anymore.

Travis took me home and I sat there in silence, my hands on my stomach. I stared off into space, blank and unfeeling, trying to push every emotion out of my head and heart. I didn't want to feel this pain. I didn't want to know that I'd killed my baby.

Neither Travis or I spoke as he helped me out of my bloody clothes and into the shower, and I just stood there as he cleaned the red stains from my skin. Then he got an adult diaper the hospital had given us, and I broke down, starting to sob as he helped me put it on. Wearing it made me feel like nothing, like less than what I was. I hated it.

Once Travis had helped me to get dressed, he let out a choked sob and fell to his knees in front of me, his hands on my waist. I just stood there, starting into thin air, trying hard not to let the tears running down my cheeks have any volume. I was trying to lock up my heart, put my feelings away so that I didn't have to feel the heart wrenching pain of losing my child.

"Someone did this to you kitten." Travis sobbed as he pressed his forehead to my stomach. "Someone spiked your drink at the restaurant. I didn't notice it at the time. I should have fucking noticed!" He sobbed harder. "They fucking did this to you kitten and I should have noticed."

"It's not your fault." I said in a raspy voice, my fingers fiddling with his hair. I'd been poisoned. Well, not poisoned exactly. Just spiked with misoprostol. Someone had wanted my baby to die.

"It is." Travis held me tighter. "I'm so fucking sorry kitten, I can't even imagine what you're going through."

-

I was numb for days. 

Travis stopped going to work, staying at home with me, but it wasn't like I did much. I lay in bed all night, and then I lay in bed all day. I only got up when he made me, and he had to almost force me to eat and shower multiple times a day because of all the blood. If he hadn't been there, I didn't think I would have left the bed at all.

I cried a lot. I cried for hours and hours at a time until I didn't think there were any tears left in my whole body. Travis sat with me but I never reacted to his touch, his words, nothing. I couldn't find the will to even try to function, not even a little bit.

One week after the bleeding had stopped, Travis reluctantly left me alone. He had tried his best not to leave my side, but there was something that desperately required his attention. I'd managed to force myself into remembering to move, and I insisted that I didn't want Rhys to come and keep an eye on me while he was gone. Normally he wouldn't have said yes, but I knew Travis could understand that I needed to be alone. 

"I'll be back in an hour okay kitten." He held my face in his hands, crouched next to the bed. "Call me if you need anything."

"Mkay." I mumbled, and Travis wiped away a tear before kissing my forehead and getting to his feet.

I waited five minutes once I'd heard the door shut, and then I got to my feet. I was in so much pain physically and mentally, but I forced myself up, pulling on some proper clothes. Once I was dressed, I stuffed my feet into shoes and grabbed my car keys, hoping Travis wouldn't be too mad when he found out I'd left the house without telling him. He'd probably find out somehow, but I'd take the fall later.

Diving slowly, I took my car and drove to my old apartment. It wasn't my intended destination, but I needed to talk to my best friend. She was too stubborn to come to me first, and that wasn't her fault. I missed her.