mute

chapter 21

Chapter: The Weight of Tics

The next morning, Billie woke up feeling heavy, as though the exhaustion of the previous day had settled deep into her bones. The meltdown had left her emotionally drained, but today there was something else. The familiar, unwanted sensations of her tics began to creep in as soon as she opened her eyes.

The sharp, repetitive jolts of her body had already started before she could even sit up in bed. “Eh! Tsk! Hm-hm!” Her vocal tics were relentless, each one leaving her more tired than the last. She clutched her ear defenders tightly, pulling them over her head immediately, hoping they would at least shield her from the constant noise of the day. Billie knew she’d have to wear them all day to cope.

When she finally made it downstairs, Odessa was already there, sitting quietly at the kitchen table. She offered Billie a soft smile, but even that small gesture felt like too much for Billie to handle at the moment. Her body twitched with another set of tics—her hands jerking suddenly, her neck snapping to the side, and her vocal tics escaping without her control. “Tsk! Eh! Hm-hm!”

Maggie glanced over at Billie, concern etched across her face. “How are you feeling, honey?”

Billie didn’t respond. She couldn’t. The tics wouldn’t stop long enough for her to communicate, and the constant stimming made her body feel like it was buzzing inside, restless and uncontrollable. She simply signed, “Not good,” but even that movement felt like too much as her hands jerked and twitched involuntarily.

The morning dragged on slowly, each minute feeling like an eternity as her tics took over every aspect of her day. Her body twitched and jerked, her hands sometimes hitting the table, and her feet tapping uncontrollably against the floor. Every few seconds, she let out a sharp, involuntary noise—“Eh! Tsk! Hm-hm!”—as her head snapped back and forth. It was exhausting, and by midday, Billie was already feeling like she couldn’t go on.

Finneas had come over to see how she was doing, sitting next to her on the couch while Odessa remained close by, watching silently with worry. Billie’s tics continued, her body twitching uncontrollably, and she felt like she had no control over her movements. As they sat together, her arm jerked out unexpectedly, hitting Finneas squarely in the shoulder.

“Hey!” Finneas cried out in surprise, rubbing his shoulder. It wasn’t that hard of a hit, but the shock of it clearly upset him.

Billie’s eyes widened, panic flooding her system as she realized what had happened. She hadn’t meant to hit him—it was just her body doing what it always did, betraying her at the worst possible moment. Her vocal tics followed immediately after: “Eh! Tsk! Hm-hm!” Her head twitched sharply to the side again, and she could feel her eyes welling up with tears.

“I’m sorry,” she signed frantically, her hands shaking as her body continued to tic. Her chest tightened with guilt, the weight of the day’s tics pressing down on her even harder now.

Finneas sighed, rubbing his shoulder again. He wasn’t angry, but Billie could see the hurt in his eyes, and that made her feel even worse. “I know you didn’t mean to, Billie,” he said softly, but the tension in his voice was clear. He was upset, and that crushed her.

Maggie came over, placing a comforting hand on Finneas’ arm before turning to Billie. “It’s okay, sweetie. We know you didn’t mean it.”

But it didn’t feel okay. Billie’s tics were out of control today, and she couldn’t stop them, no matter how much she tried. Each involuntary movement felt like it was pushing her further into a spiral of frustration and self-hatred. She hated how her body refused to listen, how she couldn’t control it, how she hurt the people she loved most without meaning to.

The day wore on, with Billie growing more and more exhausted. Her vocal tics punctuated the quiet moments—“Tsk! Eh! Hm-hm!”—while her body twitched in sharp bursts, her limbs jerking unpredictably. Even Odessa, who usually stayed so calm, looked worried as she sat beside Billie, holding her hand to offer comfort.

By the time the sun had begun to set, Billie could barely keep her eyes open. The constant tics had worn her out, each movement draining what little energy she had left. She leaned heavily against the armrest of the couch, her body still twitching with small, sharp tics. Her vocal tics had quieted down somewhat but were still present, soft and sporadic—“Hm-hm… tsk…”

Odessa squeezed her hand gently. “You did really well today,” she signed, her eyes full of understanding. “I know it was hard.”

Billie didn’t respond at first, her body too tired to even sign. She just leaned her head against Odessa’s shoulder, closing her eyes for a brief moment of peace. The tics didn’t stop, but she felt a small sense of relief knowing that Odessa understood.

Finneas walked past them quietly, still looking upset. Billie’s heart sank as she watched him leave the room. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him. She hated herself for not being able to control her body, for how much her Tourette’s dictated her every move.

“I’m sorry,” Billie signed again, her hands trembling with exhaustion. She wasn’t sure if she was signing to Finneas, Odessa, or herself. Maybe all three.

Odessa leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Billie’s head. “It’s not your fault,” she signed back, her movements gentle and slow.

Billie nodded, though she wasn’t sure she believed it. But as she lay there, her body still twitching with the relentless tics, she knew one thing for sure—no matter how bad her Tourette’s got, no matter how out of control she felt, Odessa would always be there to help her through it. And for that, at least, Billie was grateful.