mute

chapter 26

Chapter: The Silence of Grief

The days turned into weeks, and Billie never left her room, except to go to the bathroom. The once lively, chaotic space that was filled with music, dance, and movement became eerily quiet. The posters on the walls seemed to stare down at her, mocking the dreams she could no longer chase. Her bed became her only refuge, the place where she hid from the world, curling up beneath the blankets, trying to block out the overwhelming reality that suffocated her.

The depression hit her hard. It weighed down on her like an invisible force, pressing her deeper into isolation. Her parents tried everything they could to coax her out—offering her favorite meals, suggesting activities, even just sitting with her in silence—but Billie didn’t respond. She couldn’t. Every time someone knocked on her door, it was like a distant echo in her mind, too far away to matter.

She hadn’t communicated with anyone for weeks. Not with Maggie or Patrick, and not even with Finneas, the one person who always seemed to understand her without words. Her connection to Odessa, the one bright spot in her life, had dimmed to nothing. Odessa sent her messages, stopped by the house, tried to get through to her, but Billie remained unreachable. It was as if a wall had been built around her, too high and too thick for anyone to break through.

Billie barely ate. She picked at the food her mom left for her but never finished a meal. Her body felt hollow, like an empty shell, and even the thought of eating made her feel sick. The energy she once had—the spark that allowed her to dance, to move, to live—was gone. All she could manage was to lie in bed, staring at the ceiling or burying her face in her pillow, too exhausted to cry but too numb to care.

Her tics, once a constant and frustrating companion, had nearly disappeared. The jerks of her head, the hand-flapping, the vocal outbursts—gone. In their place was a suffocating stillness, as though her body had given up trying to communicate the turmoil inside. The quiet wasn’t a relief; it was terrifying. Without her tics, without the movement, Billie felt even more disconnected from herself. It was as if her body had shut down, refusing to express the emotions she couldn’t process.

Inside, Billie was drowning. The loss of dance had ripped away her purpose, the one thing that gave her life meaning. She had always struggled to communicate, to express her emotions, but dance had been her language. Now, without it, she felt voiceless. What was left for her? The thought of doing anything else seemed impossible. She couldn’t imagine herself in a different life, couldn’t see any future that didn’t involve the stage.

She felt like a failure. Every achievement, every dream, every ounce of happiness she had ever had seemed meaningless now. The world outside her room moved on, but Billie was stuck, frozen in time. The depression wrapped around her like a fog, blurring her thoughts and leaving her feeling trapped. She didn’t know what to do, how to move forward, or even if she wanted to.

Some days, Billie wondered if she would ever feel normal again. Other days, she didn’t even care. It was easier to just lie there, lost in the haze, pretending that nothing existed beyond her bedroom walls. The thought of facing the world, of answering her family’s worried questions, of explaining what was happening inside her—she couldn’t bear it.

The nights were the worst. Alone in the dark, her thoughts would spiral into a black hole of despair. She missed dancing so much it hurt, a physical ache that gnawed at her chest. But she couldn’t bring herself to even listen to music. Every beat, every rhythm reminded her of what she had lost. And with that reminder came the unbearable grief, the sharp sting of knowing that she would never be the same again.

What was she supposed to do now? How could she find a new path when the one she had walked her whole life had suddenly been ripped away?

Billie didn’t have answers. All she had was the endless, crushing weight of her sadness, and the suffocating silence that surrounded her.