mute

chapter 34

Chapter: A Heavy Descent

Over the following weeks, Billie’s mental health began to deteriorate in ways that deeply concerned everyone around her. She could hardly muster the energy to leave her bed, her body weighed down by a crushing emotional burden. Every day felt like a storm she couldn’t escape. Her physical and emotional exhaustion left her feeling utterly defeated, and even her tics, usually a constant companion, had subsided into sporadic bursts, a troubling sign of how depleted she truly was.

Odessa stayed by Billie’s side almost every day, trying everything she could to bring her girlfriend small moments of joy—a favorite movie, soft music, or just sitting quietly holding her hand. Billie’s parents and Finneas also did their best, bringing her meals, talking gently to her, and reminding her how much she was loved. But nothing seemed to penetrate the thick fog of despair that had engulfed Billie’s mind.

Late one evening, as the house grew quiet, Billie sat in the dim light of her room with a journal open on her lap. For days, she had been thinking about how overwhelming her struggles had become and how she felt like a burden to the people she loved. She didn’t want to leave them, but the weight of it all was suffocating. With trembling hands, she began writing letters to those closest to her, pouring her heart onto the pages as tears streamed down her face.

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To Odessa

My dearest Odessa,
I don’t know where to start because there’s so much I want to say to you. You’ve been my light in the darkest moments, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. Your patience, your love, and your unwavering belief in me have meant more than I could ever express.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that I can’t be the version of myself I want to be for you. But please know this—it’s not because of you. You’ve only ever made me feel safe and loved, and I hope you carry that same love with you forever.

Keep dancing for me. Keep smiling that smile that lights up the world. I love you, Odessa. Always.

Love,
Billie

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To Finneas

Dear Fin,
You’re not just my brother; you’re my best friend, my protector, my everything. I don’t know how to thank you for always being there, even when I’ve been at my worst. You’ve believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself, and that’s a gift I’ll carry with me no matter what happens.

Please keep making music. Your songs are magic, Fin, and the world needs your voice. I’m so proud to be your sister, and I’m so sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like I wasn’t.

Take care of Mom and Dad for me, okay? And take care of yourself. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

With love,
Billie

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To Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,
I don’t even know how to start this letter because I don’t think there are enough words in the world to thank you for being the parents you’ve been to me. You’ve stood by me through every meltdown, every hospital visit, every dark day. You’ve loved me unconditionally, even when I couldn’t love myself.

Please know that nothing you did was wrong. You’ve given me so much love and support, and I wish I could have been stronger for you.

Mom, keep singing those lullabies. Dad, keep telling those silly jokes. And please, hug each other a little tighter for me.

All my love,
Billie

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When Billie finished writing the letters, her hands were shaking, her tears smudging some of the ink. She tucked the letters into envelopes and placed them carefully in a drawer beside her bed.