Pinagmasdan ko ang aking sarili sa harap ng salamin at halos basagin ko na iyon dahil sa labis na galit. Why? Why did the engagement news of Audrey and Hans affect me so much that I drowned myself in alcohol the night after I heard it? At bakit sa lahat ng makakakita pa sa akin sa ganoon sitwasyon ay si Hans pa? Bakit kailangan naming magkita nang ganoon ang lagay ko? Sa lahat ng pagkakataon naman talaga!
I gave up and sank down onto the bed, groaning. The room spun around me like a carousel gone wild, blurring the edges of my vision with its relentless motion. Muli ay nanumbalik sa aking ala-ala ang mga ganap kagabi. Hans, seeing me drinking away the pain, had approached with that infuriating calmness of his. I had tried so hard to escape, to flee from the torment of his presence, but in my drunken stupor, nasagasaan pa ako. Mabuti't hindi gaanong malala ang inabot ko. At nakakatawa lang dahil kung sino pa ang nanakit sa akin ng husto ay siya pa ang gumamot at nag-alaga sa akin sa mga oras na wala akong kamalay-malay.
"Fuck!" I groaned, clutching my head as the memory of his touch, gentle and caring, sent shivers down my spine.
After nine years, just being around him, so fucking close to him, hurt so much I felt as though I were dying. It was as if every wound I thought had healed was ripped open, bleeding fresh and raw once more.
He was a storm that I could never weather. Lahat ng sakit. Lahat bumalik. Ginusto kong sumama sa kaniya noon, pero tinalikuran niya ako. He left with his cougar! Tapos ngayon, engage siya sa pinsan ko? How could I be okay with it? Naisip man lang ba niya 'yung mararamdaman ko sa oras na malaman ko? He didn't really care at all, did he? Wow lang sa kapal ng mukha.
Wala na bang iba? Kailangan sa kamag-anak ko pa talaga siya papatol?
I buried my face in my hands, trying to drown out the storm of emotions raging within me. The logical part of my brain, the part that had been silent in the face of my overwhelming feelings, finally spoke up. It had been nine years. Nine long years since we had parted ways. Maybe he thought I had already moved on. Hell, I thought I had moved on!
The truth was, I had spent those years building walls around my heart, convincing myself that I was over him. Kaya mas lalo akong nagagalit sa sarili ko dahil matapos ang lahat ng mga taong nagdaan, ito pa rin ako, nasasaktan sa simpleng balitang iyon. Ni hindi ko pa sila nakikitang magkasama, paano pa kung ganoon?
Seeing Hans again last night had shattered those walls in an instant. It was like a dam breaking, releasing a flood of emotions I didn't even know I still had.
Masakit.
Masakit pa rin.
Alam ko na dapat ay wala na akong nararamdaman, eh. I should stop feeling anything at all. I should be numb to him, indifferent. But the reality was, my heart still ached for him. Habang-buhay na nga siguro akong masasaktan kay Hans. Iyon na siguro talaga ang kapalaran ko kapag dating sa kaniya.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I needed to get a grip on my emotions. I couldn't let Hans's presence control me like this. Simula pa lang ang kagabi, dahil kung ikakasal nga sila ni Audrey ay malamang na mas magiging madalas ang mga magiging pagtatagpo namin at hindi puwedeng lagi akong ganito.
Hans was just a man, a part of my past that I needed to leave behind. The rational part of me knew that he had every right to move on, just as I did. But the emotional part of me, the part that had loved him so deeply, was struggling to accept that reality.
In the grand scheme of things, nine years was a long time. People change, they grow, they move on. Hans had probably convinced himself that I had done just that. Maybe he thought I had found someone new, someone who had made me happy. The thought of him believing that made my heart clench. I wanted him to know that I had struggled, that I had missed him, but at the same time, I didn't want him to see how much power he still held over me.
