Beyond the lens - Billie Eilish

32 -

Ellie stayed silent for a moment, staring at the ground in front of her, gently nudging a small stone with her shoe. Billie's question had caught her off guard, and not in a good way. She felt her heart grow heavy at the thought of talking about her mom, about her family. This topic was like a scar she carefully avoided touching, even though the pain lingered, tucked away in a corner of her mind.

Realizing she might have crossed a line, Billie spoke gently, almost hesitantly, "Hey... I'm sorry, Ellie. If you don't want to talk about it, that's totally fine, really. I shouldn't have asked like that, I'm such an idiot."

Ellie shook her head, trying to dispel the sudden discomfort that had settled between them. "No, you didn't do anything wrong, it's just... complicated."

Billie stayed quiet, giving Ellie space to decide if she wanted to continue. Ellie took a deep breath before she finally said, almost in a whisper:

Ellie: "My mom died a few years ago."

The weight of her words hung in the air, heavy and intense, before she went on.

Ellie: "She was gone when I was still pretty young. It was cancer, brutal and fast. She didn't even get a real chance to fight, you know? And since then, I've lived with that absence. It's like a constant emptiness, a part of me that left with her."

Billie listened closely, her eyes shining with compassion. She didn't try to fill the silence, knowing that this kind of confession didn't need an immediate response, just someone to listen.

Ellie: "My dad," she continued, crossing her arms as if to shield herself, "he's... well, he's distant. Since my mom died, he's never really been there. Physically, sure, he'd send me money every month like that could replace love or attention... But emotionally? He's just not there. We don't talk. He doesn't even try to know me. I could be a stranger to him, and it wouldn't make a difference."

Ellie paused, staring at some invisible spot in front of her, as if getting lost in her thoughts. Billie watched her, her brow slightly furrowed with the sadness she felt for her friend. Knowing Ellie had gone through all of this, mostly alone, made Billie admire even more the strength Ellie showed every day.

Ellie: "And then there's Livai, he was my mom's dog, you know? He's all I have left of her. Every day, I feel like as long as he's here, it's like she's not completely gone. He reminds me of everything she was, her kindness, her love. So I hold onto him, because I don't know what I'll do the day he's gone too."

Billie took a deep breath, her eyes bright with sympathy for Ellie. Now she understood why Livai was so important to her, why Ellie always talked about him with such affection. He was more than just a dog; he was her last tangible link to her mother.

Billie: "I'm really sorry, Ellie. For your mom, for your dad... I can't imagine what you must've gone through."

Ellie finally turned toward her, her gaze a bit softer, and she managed a fragile smile. "I know I don't talk about it much, but... it does feel good to let it out, in a way."

Billie gently placed her hand on Ellie's, a quiet way of telling her she was there, that she understood, even if she hadn't gone through the same thing.

Billie: "You're strong, Ellie, way stronger than you think. I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

Ellie nodded, taking a deep breath to release some of the tension that had built up while talking about this painful subject.

Ellie: "It's just... complicated, damn it, I wish my dad showed a bit more interest. Not for the money, but... for me, as a person. It feels like he just erased me from his life like I was nothing, a stone in his path. And it hurts."

Billie's expression grew serious, her face reflecting her anger. "No one should treat you like that. No matter the circumstances. You're an incredible person, and if your dad doesn't see that, it's his loss, not yours."

Ellie let out a small laugh, more nervous than joyful. "That's kind of you to say, but sometimes it's hard to believe. I think if even my own dad doesn't care about me, maybe I'm just not worth it."

Billie sat up sharply, as if those words had struck her directly : "No, don't say that crap, It's not you, Ellie. It's him. He didn't know how to be a dad. Never think you're not worth it. Because trust me, you're worth so much more, at least to me."

Ellie smiled shyly, touched by Billie's intense reaction. It was strange, but somehow, this conversation was freeing her a little, like she was letting go of a part of the weight she'd carried for so long.

Ellie: "Thanks, Billie, really."

The two girls let themselves fall into a quiet silence again, but this time it felt calmer, while Livai and Shark kept playing in the park. Ellie felt grateful for this friendship with Billie, for being able to open up without judgment, for having someone who understood her.

After a few minutes, Billie changed the subject, trying to lighten the mood.

Billie: "Looks like Livai and Shark really hit it off, some people have all the luck."

Ellie watched the two dogs, a smile slowly returning to her face. "Yeah, they're gonna be heartbroken when you go back to L.A."

The two friends sat there for a while, enjoying the moment, savoring the closeness growing between them. It was one of those times when, despite the past hurts, everything felt a little lighter, a bit more bearable. And for Ellie, that was all she needed.