Beyond the lens - Billie Eilish

73 -

POV Billie

It's been two days since I left Ellie in London. She hasn't texted me since, but that's probably normal. She's enjoying her time with her friends. After all, we didn't make any promises, we're not a couple... or, I don't know. Actually, I don't even know what we are.

All I know is that those two days with her were incredible, far more than I could have imagined. They gave me a chance to take a break, to breathe a little under all this pressure. To think about myself, to let go... Sometimes it's good to be selfish, to lose yourself in the moment. And honestly, it's even better when you share it with a friend.

A friend ?? What the hell am I saying? Do friends fuck three times in one day?

A loud noise suddenly pulled me out of my thoughts. Zoé barged into my hotel room and found me lying on my bed. Without warning, she jumped right onto it.

"ZOÉ! You're crushing me, damn it!"

"Oops, didn't see you there."

"Move your giant ass off my face."

She laughed and sat cross-legged in front of me.

"So, spill it."

I pretended not to understand.

"Uh... Spill what?"

"Don't play dumb, Billie. Talk, or I'll make you talk."

She pushed me, pinning my arm to force me to speak.

"Okay, okay, I'll tell you everything"

"Well??"

"Yeah, we did it."

At those words, Zoé jumped off the bed, screaming,

"Holy shit, I won!"

I stared at her, confused.

"You won?"

"Oh... yeah, right. Don't be mad, but the girls and I made a bet that you two would end up in the same bed after your night out."

I rolled my eyes.

"You guys seriously need to get laid too."

Zoé laughed and sat cross-legged in front of me again.

"So, what now?"

Her question hit me like a truck. I had no idea. And not hearing from Ellie wasn't helping.

"I don't know."

She frowned.

"What do you mean you don't know? You guys didn't talk about it?"

"We didn't really have the time. Everything just... happened so fast, and..."

I paused, instinctively lowering my head. Zoé pressed on.

"And...?"

"And I don't know if I'm ready to take that step, you know?"

Zoé understood what I meant. When it comes to relationships, I've never been particularly lucky. Between the guy who couldn't care less about me and the colossal mistake of dating a friend's ex... Let's just say I'm a mess when it comes to relationships. And I don't want to screw this up. I've been hurt too much, and I know Ellie has too. Neither of us deserves another disastrous relationship, especially if I'm the one causing it.

Zoé placed a comforting hand on my thigh.

"Billie, you know you have to talk to her. But do you know how you feel? Or how she feels?"

No. fuck no, I don't know how I feel. I hate letting my emotions take over. I got up from the bed and started pacing.

"Damn it, Zoé, I don't know either! Maybe Ellie doesn't even care, maybe it was just... a random thing, you know? Besides, she hasn't contacted me."

Zoé stood up too, a strange smile on her face.

"Why are you smiling?" I asked, suspicious.

"Do you really think Ellie doesn't care? After everything that happened?"

I shrugged.

"Dude, I'm not in her head. Ellie is gorgeous. She's probably had plenty of flings like this. Maybe I'm just another steppingstone for her."

Zoé rolled her eyes, exasperated.

"A steppingstone? Billie, seriously, shut up. Ellie is crazy about you. I saw it the first time I met her."

I sat down on the couch, intrigued.

"What are you talking about ?"

She nodded firmly.

"Yeah. Remember that party Finn threw? When we found her chatting with that other girl? The second she saw you, her eyes didn't leave you. It was like the rest of the world disappeared, even me."

I never noticed that. With Ellie, we've always had this game of glances. But over time, our gaze changed... at least, for me. I wanted her. I still want her. Damn it, I'm screwed. I flopped back onto my bed, covering my face with my hands before letting out a muffled scream:

"AAARGH, Zoé, this is a fucking mess."

Zoé burst out laughing and lay down beside me.

"Yeah, it's about time you realized that."

I started laughing too, gently shoving her. After a while of chatting about everything and nothing, she eventually left my room to let me rest. Tomorrow is the first show in Amsterdam. Playing abroad is always more nerve-wracking. I don't really know why. There's this added pressure, like I'm performing for an audience who doesn't know me because of the language barrier.

I instinctively reached for my phone, but... nothing. Sure, I had plenty of notifications, but none from Ellie. Nothing on her socials either. Joan's been quiet too, which is weird. He usually bombards his followers with at least forty-eight stories a day. Now, there's nothing.

I let out a long sigh. I'm worrying over nothing, as usual. Anyway, I'll see her tomorrow. She should arrive late afternoon, before the concert. We'll probably meet up after. And even if I hate to admit it, I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

Suddenly, a familiar weight climbed onto my bed.

"Hey Shark, Zoé woke you up with all her nonsense ?"

Shark, all excited, started licking my face. He wanted to play. I gently pushed his snout away and scooped him into a hug.

"Your buddy Livaï's coming soon to join you. You excited too?"

Shark barked as if he understood, and I laughed softly before we both drifted off to sleep, him curled up beside me.