Beyond the lens - Billie Eilish

54 -

Ellie slowly woke up the next morning, her head heavy and her body exhausted from the turmoil of the previous night. She had slept longer than usual, as if her body was trying to recover from the emotional assaults that had left her on edge. She opened her eyes with difficulty, realizing how painful they were, swollen and empty. The memories of the night before came back in waves, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.

Shame and disgust settled in as she realized how much she had let her emotions get the best of her. She couldn't believe she had let that man, that stranger, drag her into such a state; to her, he was nothing now. He had betrayed the memory of her mother, and she swore she would never let him have power over her life again.

But her thoughts didn't stop there. She recalled Billie's face, her eyes full of confusion and concern. Why had she shown up at that moment? When had she left? Billie had been there, a witness to her vulnerability. That was unbearable. The idea that Billie had seen her collapse ignited a new sense of shame.

The sound of a door opening suddenly snapped her out of her thoughts. Hands covering her face, she sat up slightly. Then, a familiar head appeared in the doorway, followed by the rest of her four-legged companion's body.

It was Livai.

Ellie's heart lit up as her faithful Australian Shepherd ran toward her, jumping on the bed with boundless energy. Relief washed over her, and she laughed, gently pushing her dog away, who was happily licking her face.

Ellie: "Livai, oh my God, you're here!"

Ellie petted his soft, comforting fur. It felt like a ray of sunshine piercing through the dark clouds that had enveloped her. Then, in the background, Billie stepped forward, a smile on her face.

Billie: "I got him from Kate's room, thought he'd be the best friend you needed right now."

Ellie gave her a shy smile, recognizing the kind gesture.

Ellie: "Thank you so much, Billie," she murmured, continuing to pet Livai, seeking refuge in the affection of her dog.

Billie stepped closer, but Ellie, instinctively, turned away slightly, trying to hide her face, marked by the tears from the night before. Billie, with infinite gentleness, moved a strand of hair away from Ellie's face.

Billie: "Ellie..."

She fell silent when she saw Ellie's tired eyes, filled with pain and sadness.

Billie: "Are you ready to talk about what happened last night?"

Ellie pulled away slightly, avoiding eye contact. She had always wanted to be strong, to prove to herself that she could overcome any storm.

Ellie: "I don't want to waste your time with this, Billie, you probably have other things to deal with."

Billie, surprised by this reaction, insisted : "But right now, all I want is to be here for you."

At those words, Ellie raised her voice a bit, frustration spilling out from her wounded heart.

Ellie: "Why? Why are you doing this? What are we to each other?"

The shock was palpable. Billie felt her heart tighten. Ellie had put up walls, and she could feel it.

Billie: "Ellie, you..."

Ellie: "I'm nobody, Billie! You shouldn't waste your time with me! Anyway, I don't want to waste any time either."

Billie, hurt by these words, tried to keep her calm.

Billie: "That's not true, Ellie. You matter to me. I don't know what happened with your father, but I'm not him!"

The anxiety was clear on Billie's face as she stepped closer.

Billie: "He's gone. But I'm here, and I'm staying."

Ellie: "Everyone ends up abandoning me, Billie! Everyone! You'll probably do the same!"

Billie felt a dull pain in her chest. Why couldn't Ellie see that she was here, that she had decided to stay? She moved even closer, determination written on her face. She took Ellie's face in her hands, almost on the verge of tears seeing her friend suffer so much.

Billie: "Ellie, I don't want you to suffer in silence. Please, let me help."

But Ellie, with a calm gesture, moved Billie's hands away. Pain and anger mixed in her heart, and she knew she couldn't let herself fall apart.

Ellie: "Please, leave me alone. I want to be by myself."

Billie, helpless, could feel the growing distance between them. Ellie's distress was tearing her heart apart, but she couldn't do anything against her refusal. "I..." she started, but her words got stuck in her throat.

Ellie: "I'm sorry, Billie, I can't, I'm too scared." The vulnerability in her words echoed like a slap, hitting Billie head-on.

The pain and sadness in Ellie's voice made Billie realize this wasn't just an argument. It was like a crack had opened between them, a break in a story that hadn't even really started. Billie, with tears in her eyes, wanted to say something, but she couldn't find the words.

Ellie pulled away even more, as if she was protecting herself behind an armor she had built: "I can't do this," she whispered, her voice trembling. "I can't let anyone get close to me again."

Billie felt lost, Ellie's gaze avoiding hers, her posture closed and defensive. She could see the pain, the anxiety, and the fear in every movement. It was like Ellie was trying to protect herself from a reality that might break her even more.

Billie: "I want you to stay in my life, Ellie, I want to be there for you. I'm not like them. I won't leave. Please, trust me."

But Ellie shook her head, a solitary tear sliding down her cheek: "I... I can't. I don't trust you, Billie. And I don't want to hurt you."

She didn't know if she was crying for her father, for Billie, or for herself. Everything was mixing together in her heart. Billie turned her head, trying to hide her own tears, her heart breaking with every word exchanged.

Billie : "You've never hurt me, Ellie, I just want you to let me stay close to you."

Ellie : "But it hurts too much, I can't... I'm sorry, but I can't."

She remembered that little girl, desperate and alone, who had watched her world collapse. She never wanted to feel that loss again. She knew her feelings for Billie were precious, that she had grown attached to her, that Billie represented something incredible in her life, a light of hope. But that connection scared her. Every gesture, every word Billie spoke had the power to awaken emotions she had buried. Ellie feared that once again, she would be left behind, just like she had been with her father. The thought of losing someone so precious terrified her.

Billie closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then turned to walk away. The door softly closed behind her, leaving Ellie alone with her tortured thoughts. The heavy silence that settled in the room was deafening, and Ellie collapsed onto her bed, her heart heavy.