Beyond the lens - Billie Eilish

56 -

Ellie had stayed in Australia, alone with Livai. Since that painful evening, since that brutal confrontation with her father and that heartbreaking argument with Billie, she had distanced herself. The outside world seemed to have no place in her daily life, except for Livai, who brought her a bit of comfort. She had sunk into a kind of solitude, an inner prison for which she alone held the key, but she wasn't ready to turn it yet.

Every day, she walked Livai on the deserted beaches at sunrise, breathing in the fresh ocean air, letting herself be overwhelmed by the vastness of the landscape. But even the ocean, with its deep blue, couldn't dissipate the darkness that engulfed her. The blue seemed to represent the space where she was now trapped: a deep, bottomless blue where she was slowly drowning, all while maintaining the appearance of floating.

Kate's calls and messages had gone unanswered. Ellie didn't want to cut all ties with her, but each attempt at conversation resulted in superficial exchanges, a forced smile, a false lightness. Kate was trying to see through her, to understand what she was going through, but Ellie didn't allow anyone to get too close to her real feelings. She projected an impression of recovery, a hope, an illusion that everything was fine. But it was a lie. She was drowning without crying for help.

Her mind kept replaying the events of the last few days like a film she couldn't stop watching. She saw her father's face, a mix of coldness and disappointment. Going back, reliving that pain felt like being abandoned all over again, as if time had never really healed those deep wounds. She had tried to forget him, to stop thinking about him, to rebuild herself. But it took just one encounter, one evening to reignite everything.

Then there was Billie. The one who had done everything to reassure her, to be there for her, the one who had tried to understand her silences and her wounds. And Ellie, in return, had ruined everything. The argument replayed in her mind, each word echoing like a hammer blow. She had been harsh, even unfair. But deep down, she knew she had no other choice. To protect Billie, to protect herself.

She made the decision to put some distance between them. This choice felt necessary, almost inevitable. It was painful, yes, but she was convinced it was the only thing to do. Billie didn't need to be drawn into her chaos. Billie had already weathered her own storms, she had survived, she was stronger now, more balanced. And Ellie didn't want to be the one to shatter that newfound peace.

Tomorrow, she had a flight to catch to Paris. A trip she had planned for weeks with Joan and Aubrey. A trip she had once looked forward to, but now it felt almost unreal. She felt like a stranger to the idea of reconnecting with her friends, of rekindling their bond, their energy. Yet she knew they were the ones who might understand her, the ones who knew almost everything about her. Joan and Aubrey had always been there, even from afar, even in the darkest moments. But Ellie wondered if this time, they could truly help her. The pain she carried was different.

She started to pack her things, carefully folding her clothes into her suitcase, trying to focus on this simple task to escape her thoughts. Each movement felt mechanical, almost lifeless. Livai watched her, lying on the floor, his bright eyes following her every move as if he sensed that something was wrong. She crouched down beside him, gently stroking his fur, seeking a bit of comfort in that contact.

"It's going to be okay," she murmured, more for herself than for her dog. "It's going to be okay."

But even as she said those words, she didn't really believe them. She simply hoped that this trip to Paris could change something, offer her a kind of respite, a pause in the emotional whirlwind that threatened to completely engulf her.

As she folded one last shirt, she glanced at her phone lying on the bed. No new messages. Billie hadn't tried to contact her since their last conversation, and Ellie hadn't had the courage to make the first move. Yet a part of her was dying to reach out. She constantly thought about Billie, about how she felt pushing her away, about the pain she must have seen in her eyes. But it was better this way, she was sure of it. Billie deserved someone more stable, someone who wouldn't make her suffer. And Ellie... Ellie had to learn to heal on her own before she could let anyone in again.