Beyond the lens - Billie Eilish

62 -

Billie – Shadows of the Past

Night had fallen a while ago, but Billie still couldn't find sleep. Her European tour was coming up fast, but for now, she was stuck in this waiting phase. Every day was paced by rehearsals, technical tweaks, meetings. It was a rhythm she knew well, a routine she'd gotten used to over the years. But this time, everything felt different, heavier.

That evening, she had left the rehearsal studios a little earlier than expected, seeking the solitude she could never find in big cities. She had climbed up to the rooftop of an old building, overlooking the city where she and her team were staying to finalize tour details. The city below was just a blur of lights in the dark. The cool night air slipped through her jacket, pulling her back into her thoughts.

Ellie. It had been weeks since her mind kept drifting back to her. Even when she was focused, in the studios where she rehearsed her songs, she kept replaying their last moments together, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.

It was the fear of losing someone again. She was used to it. Too many people had slipped away, abruptly or gently, but always with that bitter feeling of abandonment.

She hugged her knees to her chest, resting her chin on her crossed arms. It reminded her of other times, other faces that had slowly faded from her life. And this dull fear crept up again, the worry that someone else she loved might drift away without her being able to stop it. It was like walking a fragile line, on the edge of a cliff. One wrong step, one word too many, and everything could crumble.

Memories of nights when she felt completely alone, even when surrounded by the people she loved, came back to her. Like that emptiness that filled her during times when she should have been happy. It was strange, how the mind could jump back and forth between past and present moments.

Everything had been so good with Ellie, but in those last moments, she had pulled away, as if she couldn't bear to stay. Why? The question looped in her mind, unanswered. What if Ellie had decided to cut ties for good? What if Billie had, once again, failed to keep someone close to her?

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear the footsteps behind her. It was only when a hand gently rested on her shoulder that she flinched slightly, opening her eyes.

Finneas: "Hey Bill, have you been out here long?"

It was Finneas. His voice was soft, soothing, as always. He sat down next to her without waiting for an answer. He knew his sister better than anyone. He knew that sometimes, she just needed space, a moment to be alone. But he also knew when solitude became too heavy for her.

Billie didn't answer right away, letting silence settle between them. Finneas didn't press her. He just waited, respecting her pace.

Billie, whispering: "I'm thinking about Ellie."

Finneas nodded, as if he understood immediately.

Finneas: "Do you think she's really gone?"

She stayed silent for a moment, her eyes fixed on the city below.

Billie: "I don't know... Maybe. She left without saying anything, no word, nothing..."

Another silence. The wind blew gently through Billie's hair, but she didn't move. Finneas looked at her, searching for the right words. Billie had always had this tendency to withdraw, to blame herself for things that often weren't her fault.

Finneas: "You still think it's because of you?"

She shrugged.

Billie: "I don't know, I'm not really thinking anything. Just about her not being here."

Finneas watched her for a moment, thoughtful.

Finneas: "Maybe she just needs more time. It happens, you know."

He sighed lightly and put his arm around her shoulders, as if to remind her he was there.

Finneas: "You're not losing her, Billie, I'm sure of it."

Silence fell over them again. Billie found it hard to believe those words.

Then, Finneas's phone suddenly vibrated, distracting him with a notification. He frowned as he read it. Billie, still lost in her thoughts, barely noticed him moving.

Billie: "Who is it?"

He hesitated for a split second, his thumb hovering over the screen, before slipping his phone back into his pocket with a slight smile.

Finneas: "Nothing important," he said lightly.

Billie glanced at him briefly, suspecting he was hiding something, but she didn't have the strength to push. She just leaned her head back on his shoulder, hoping that the silence would be enough to calm the storm of emotions within her.

Finneas knew it wasn't "nothing." It was a message from Ellie. A message that could change everything. But for now, he preferred to keep it to himself. Billie needed a little more time to process her feelings, and he'd hold onto that tiny glimmer of hope until she was ready.