Imagining Us

Ch. 47- But It Was Everything

Esi loved her Camry–it had been with her through undergrad and had even served as an extra car for her parents while she'd been living in London. It was strange that they hadn't sold it while she was away; it was as if they knew that something would have sent her running back to Connecticut.

She dismissed the scathing thought.

But this was a completely different experience–driving Porte's car.

The drive was mostly silent except for the sounds of music drifting through the speakers.

She glanced at Porte out of the corner of her eye—he was unusually quiet.

One hand clutched his thigh—the veins protruding— and the other clutched the door. He looked completely opposite to how he was at the mall. He seemed paler, and his eyes were shifting everywhere.

"Porte," she said softly. "Are you okay? I swear I'm a good driver..."

"I'm fine," he said tightly.

"You're not fine," she insisted. "You won't even look at me."

"How are you even looking at me right now?" he shot back, but there was no bite to his words. "I thought your eyes were supposed to be on the road."

Something was obviously wrong.

Silence reigned between them, but she could hear him shifting in the seat ever so slightly. His hands ran up and down the seat belt.

A thought barrelled into her mind.

Maybe...this had something to do with the accidents, but she'd never noticed it before when they were together.

Such an idiot, Esi.

She chided herself mentally. Maybe she shouldn't have been so insistent. She could probably pull over.

"Do you want to drive?" she asked him.

A few seconds passed before he answered.

"No, I need to do this," he said. He was trying to will himself into something.

"Just talk to me, Esi. Tell me anything. Tell me about Trinidad. About the beaches. About your family. Your career plans," he swallowed thickly. "Just keep talking to me."

So she did, and his eyes fluttered shut.

Esi spoke for the next thirty minutes until she reached his home. She told him that her brother was an A&E doctor, her father was a professor and that her mum was a retired accountant. Esi spoke about her family background—the mix of Trinidad, Ghana and the UK.

Anything to keep his mind from spiraling.

It hurt her heart to see him like this—living through his trauma before her eyes. She wondered if anyone else saw this part of him. This part that was struggling. That was aching for control.

Esi slowed the vehicle as she turned to stop before the iron gates of the Danvers Residence.

"We're here, Porte," she said softly.

One grey eye opened and then the other. She saw the exact moment that he visibly relaxed.

Porte still wouldn't look at her.

"There's a remote for the gate in the console," he said, pointing towards it.

Esi reached for the device and pressed the button to open the gates. She drove in and pressed the button again to close them.

As she drove up the driveway, she asked Porte where she should park.

"I'm going back into the city tonight so you can just park it out front next to your car."