Imagining Us

Ch. 49- Rethinking Already?

Esi should've felt great after that weekend with Porte. She should've felt like she was on cloud nine, but after it settled in, his words replayed through her mind.

His words about settling for friendship—about him wanting her. Even now as she thought about it, butterflies fluttered in her belly. The part of her that was convinced for so long that she didn't want anyone—didn't need anyone— wanted something. Wanted someone. Esi didn't want to feel this way. Didn't want to want Porte Danvers.

Andrew had tried to break her, and maybe there was some sort of success to his experiment because after him, relationships were never the same. If that was what they could even be called.

She'd somehow found the will to date after that–thanks to the urging of her friends and cousins–but none of them stuck. Perhaps it was the fear of history repeating itself. Of her feeling like they would realize that she wouldn't be what they wanted.That she wouldn't be enough.

Then there was Remi...

Big. Tall. The smoothest chocolate skin.  On point beard game. Full of laughter and life.

He was fun and easygoing. He didn't have any expectations of her and their relationship. Esi didn't even know at what point it became a relationship. There were no affirmative words. No definition of what they were.

That was how they ended too. He took her to the airport, and she could only assume that things were over.

She messaged him to say that she'd landed in Connecticut safely, he'd answered, and she hadn't heard from him since.

Esi knew that the relationship wasn't marriage-goal serious, but it was exclusive enough that she thought that he would've had something to say about her moving back to the States. She thought that he would've wanted her to stay. That he would've put up a little fight–He didn't.

But she was grateful for him all the same. For what he brought to her life in a season where she felt slightly adrift.

She could still remember the smell of him. That deep, spicy scent of leather and vanilla. It was warm and comforting when she needed it to be, and when she didn't, it knew not to invade her senses.

She missed their friendship. How he fit in so easily with her family except for when they had to argue about who had the better cultural dishes–with him being Nigerian.

She missed working with him at the NGO in London. Heads hovered together of proposals, working on fundraisers. He was good and kind. Nice to her. Uncomplicated.

Esi could've continued on like that–it was a satisfactory life. She had no reason to complain.

Her career was going great. She had a stable relationship, and she was finally back to living in the same city as her brother.

What more could she have asked for?

It was okay if she would never have that passion. That kind of feeling where she was left breathless. The maddening love that Nietzsche spoke about. Well it wasn't exactly what he said, but close enough.

Now though, it wasn't love, but there was something about how Porte looked at her. How he seemed to focus in on her. How he teased her and argued with her. Latched on to the things that she said no matter how minuscule. If that didn't make her feel special—feel wanted.

It was the way that he made an effort to call her, to message her, to check up on her. Esi didn't need that from him. She'd never wanted it from anyone.

Andrew had flattered her with attention, and she resisted at first, but then preened under it. She thought maybe the attention wasn't so bad after all. Maybe having the focus on her wasn't that bad after all. That was until the focus became distorted.

He would make the strangest passive aggressive comments about her goals, her plans, and her background. Even small things like how she'd dress and how she styled her hair. Esi gave him the benefit of the doubt with certain things. He'd never met anyone like her. Maybe he was uncultured in that way.

But was it her job to teach him?

Why did she feel as if she needed him to see– to understand that she was different? That there were so many others out there were different from him.

He never got it. He never truly understood. Never tried to.

Lord knew that he was great at remorse. At making it seem like he understood when all he was actually doing was testing her. Taking notes.

Discussing her with his friends. Like she was a topic and not a human being.

Andrew was great at saying the right things to make it seem like the wrong things never happened.

She shuddered to just think about what a fool she'd been back then. After that, Esi had made promises to herself–promises that she felt like she'd been upkeeping.

Until this man.

This man that was suppose to only be her friend. That's what she'd been telling herself, her family, and her friends. The man who, if she was still true to herself, she would've been wary of.

Sometimes, she still reflected on that past Christmas, when he disappeared. Esi wanted to believe his words–wanted to believe that he wouldn't disappear on her again.

She continuously asked herself, 'Why did she seem more hurt about it than others who'd known him longer?'

Maybe she was the one who needed to take a step back. To reevaluate these stirrings–she wouldn't dare call them feelings yet.

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A/N

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