Imagining Us

Ch. 63-Push and Pull

Esi had hoped that as soon as she closed her eyes, she would fall asleep.

She didn't want to think about what happened today. Didn't want to think about what was happening between her and Porte. Or, more accurately, what was not happening.

They hadn't physically seen or spoken to each other in almost ten days, and it killed her not to reach out. She cared about him. Yes, they were just friends, but it was also in her nature to care. Something niggled at the back of her mind about how concerned she was about Porte.

It was a concern that her subconscious mind deemed above the call of 'friendship'. She brushed that thought away as quickly as it came.

Her thoughts were like a wildfire, spreading untamed.

Andrew's behavior worried her, and she wondered if she should tell someone or be concerned for her safety.

And the names that he called her, the hate that brewed within him. How could she not have seen the truth beyond the smooth, well placed words?

That was what hurt her more than anything, but it didn't stop the feeling from coming back. The feeling she felt on the night that he tried to break her. The feeling of standing out,in a negative way. The feeling of not belonging.

She remembered the vengeance in his words as he recalled what else happened that night. About Porte. Assuming that it was him.

She'd been racking her mind, trying to remember if she saw him that night. Esi had tried to put that night to the back of her mind as much as possible. But, if Andrew was correct, Porte had seen her.

He had been witness to the embarrassment.
To her looking like a fool. And he had intervened at some point. He had threatened Andrew's future.

If that was so, then them meeting at the bookstore wasn't his first time seeing her, and she couldn't wrap her mind around it.

It left her endlessly confused. Her fingers itched to grab her phone to message him back at least, she wouldn't call him because she didn't want to hear from him just yet.

The hot and cold attitude was killing her.

He was the one that approached her that second time. He wanted to be friends, and sometimes he said things, looked at her a certain way that made her feel like he wanted more. 

But this wasn't the first time that she'd heard about him being Talia's boyfriend, and Talia did know him longer than she had, so she couldn't dismiss that there might be some sort of truth to her statements.

Esi had been seeing the signs that something was off with him...something was holding him back, but why was it that being in his presence made everything else seem mundane?

That was why she pushed through, but she continued to ask herself if it was worth it and how long this friendship could sustain itself.

She tossed and turned in her bed, but sleep would not come to her. Her body felt overheated under the covers. It was November—in Connecticut—it shouldn't have been that warm. Esi had an inkling that it wasn't really the weather that was bothering her but the stress from these compounded situations.

She wished that she could talk—that she could tell someone. And, in a way, she could, but it was hard for her especially when she knew that her issues were trite compared to those of others.

It was easy to listen to others, to get people to talk, but when it came time for her to talk about her feelings, sometimes they just wouldn't come to the surface.