Imagining Us

Ch.65- Admission Part II

"I felt like everyone turned against me. All the friends that I had disappeared, then the rumors started. About how my mom died. About how I caused Natasha's death. The guilt became worse–I started fighting, drinking–anything to forget. My dad had to bail me out of so much, and I feel like  I'm still paying for it."

Porte didn't explain what he meant by still paying, but Esi had an idea from what Mr. Danvers had let slip that night at the gala. His justification was that it was the only way to keep his son close to him. It was a bit twisted when she thought about it, and the fact that they wouldn't communicate with each other didn't help. Both men thought that the other despised them, but in reality they both loved and missed each other. She wished that she could help them see the truth.

"I lived in Denmark with my grandmother on a rural farm for a year when I should have been in college. I shoveled so much shit," he laughed ruefully. "But I needed it. That quiet and clarity. I read so much, learned so much. I came back for Luka, but things were different–everyone was different when I came back. I'm ashamed to say that it was a privilege that I got into college with my previous behavior–my grades were never the problem, but I'm sure he had to pull strings with how I had acted."

"Talia sought me out my junior year–I'd been trying to avoid their family. What could I say to them? But she was ready for me–she knew exactly what to say. How to play on my guilt. I never told anyone the truth about where Tash got the drugs and about the baby's father.. It wouldn't have made a difference, she was dead anyway. I just let Talia continue to use me as a scapegoat and our...I don't even know what to call it, but the lines began to blur. Everytime I pulled away she would find a way to pull me back. To remind me that Tash was dead because of me. That I probably killed my mom. That there was something wrong with me."

"But you did eventually cut it off, right?" Esi asked softly, her heart breaking at his words.

"Yea...I came to a realization in my senior year, and I moved to England for my Masters. I left again–I left my family again, but I couldn't do that with her anymore. I felt wrong and filthy every time I let her touch me."

The fact that she and Porte were in England at the same time briefly crossed her mind, but anger was at the forefront. Anger at Talia who had been profiting off of Porte's grief and pain, but Esi also realized that Talia was grieving her sister.

"There's no living when you're trapped in a cycle of toxicity, and I had found some semblance of peace, so I put a stop to it. I think she realized that she couldn't manipulate me anymore. But ever so often she would call or message me on a vulnerable day–a birthday or a day that one of them died. Or she would say something about her parents having to spend Christmas without their daughter."

Esi reached out and gently ran her fingers to over his. He grasped at her hand— at the support that she offered.

Porte turned to her. "Were you going to tell me that she confronted you?"

She bit her lip and looked away. They both knew the answer to that.

"She told me that it would never work between you and I. That I hurt people close to me. That I would break you," Porte gritted. "She said that she was the only one for me–who could understand me. Who was broken enough that I couldn't hurt her anymore."

"Maybe I would've listened to her before–" He slipped his hand out of hers and moved to cup her cheek. "But she came here–to where you lived, Elizabeth and I cannot condone that."

He said the words so fiercely that she was inclined to believe him.

"She won't ever bother you again–I made sure of it," he said coldly.

There was something about how he said it that made her not ask what he'd done. Esi felt that she would just trust his words.

Speaking of things that he'd done.

Andrew.

"Do you–do you think maybe I'm–maybe I'm too much...too complicated for this world?" he asked softly. 

It was the most vulnerable that she'd seen him, even more than when he came back to apologize to her months ago. It was so unlike the sure, put-together version of him, but Esi felt like this was the root of so many things. The fact that he thought he didn't deserve happiness, that he was unworthy of it because of all the guilt that he harbored.

How had he managed to ask the question that had been plaguing her for so many years? 

It wasn't the same but she felt that way with her different nationalities, cultures, and ethnicities. Being born in the UK to a Ghanaian father and a Trinidadian mother, plus the smallest drop of SouthEast Asian that came from her Trinidadian grandmother. She felt like she didn't know who she was most of the time, and if she didn't then no one could. It wa a great fear of hers—people eventually realizing that she didn't make sense.

There was more to Porte's question than what he actually said. He was asking if his past was too much to overlook–he was asking if he was too complicated to love.

"I think that you've been through a lot. For some people, it takes years before they experience any kind of loss much more that kind and so profound. There's no right way to process grief–no one can tell you how you should feel. How you should act, but the guilt that you're feeling on top of that is unfair to yourself," she said.

"Luke and I are friends so I know how he thinks. I know what he says about you. And you're right that he's angry, but I think it's because he cares and he misses you," Esi continued, she wanted to warn him about Luke and Talia without betraying too much. "And I think that Luke might be missing you in the wrong way."

Porte's eyes flew to hers and she saw his mouth tighten. Maybe he already had an idea of what was happening.

"Your dad may go about things differently, but I don't think that he would actively try to keep you around so much if he hated you, Porte."

He snorted at that.

"I do think that grief and happiness can coexist. I think that you can still mourn your losses and be happy in life. You have to push through, find joy in the good memories, find joy in just living–for yourself and for them because they don't get to anymore. But if you only focus on the loss, it's easy to get consumed by it, it's easy for it to take over everything, and soon you'll find yourself breaking under the weight of it."

She was speaking to both herself and Porte. These were words that she'd heard before–these were truths that she knew. Esi hoped that he would accept it, but knew that it was a journey to get to that point of happiness, and she'd never started hers. She'd never wanted to until this recent spark that made her want to live and hope and dream of a future where she wasn't in stasis. A future where she could love and laugh genuinely.

Porte hadn't said anything when she finished—his expression unreadable as he scanned her features.

"I think it's also easier when you have someone to talk to–like this. It's hard for me to open up...that vulnerability that's needed...the possibility of being told that it makes sense that I'm like this," he said. "That I'll always be like this. But I want to try, Elizabeth. I want to try to be happy–with you."

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A/N

Boom! Of course Porte would end it like that. If you're curious to see how Esi responds, stick around. 

Took a break last week because it's been a busy birthday month, but we're back and pushing forward! 

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