Ella ○ Harry Potter

Sixty One: The Way We Lost

Sirius barely believed he was walking through the halls of Hogwarts again, filled with joy. He could barely keep the smile off his face, but he had to, since he saw Ella by his side was struggling to keep a smile on her face. 

The Ministry wasn't officially aware of the Room of Requirement ("I know Carl for years, how come they don't?" Ella asked grumpily when they got the explanation about an official residence needed for them), so they got a wide, abandoned ball room in the dungeons adapted for the needs of Dee-Talbot. Ella didn't mind the dungeons since she spent most of her time in the Hufflepuff dorms, and was a Slytherin, but Sirius cringed when he was first told that they need to take this dorm in order for them to have this sanctuary. 

The two looked at the common room, and it was obvious Ella created this space, since it was all pink and glittery, with too many blankets and a big fireplace, also pink. It contrasted quite strangely against the setting in the dungeons, but the two lived in peace with that. There was half a dozen rooms for girls, and another half a dozen for boys. There were bunk beds, and another room for Sirius (and Ella), and the two celebrated finally having bunk beds and Ella not having to sleep on the ground. 

"No one's gonna come tonight, right?" Sirius asked, and Ella looked thoughtful for a moment, "get your head out of the gutter!" Ella smiled slightly and shrugged.

"If you're talking about coming here, yeah, no, maybe Peeves."

"I missed the little demon, you know?" Sirius muttered. Ella tried to smile again, but it didn't seem to hold on her face. "Want some hot cocoa, mini-Prongs?"

Ella shrugged, but her eyes shone, "With tiny marshmallows?"

"Too many for us to manage to drink," Sirius grinned wide, and offered a hand. "It's hard, isn't it?" he asked softly as her hand touched his. 

"It's hell on earth." 

And with no other word, the two left the dormitory of Dee-Talbot and walked just a short distance to the kitchen, the silence heavy. 

"I thought myself into rooms made of silence and nightmares. Cedric wasn't the meaning of my life, but he was the life in me. I just have the meaning," she said right before they entered the kitchen. Sirius stopped, and looked her, confused. "You don't get it. If Cedric was the home in which I lived in, I now have a home that I die in. I had lived for years and hurt for years and was alone for years, and I had a meaning, I was me, and Cedric was the life. He gave the life to which I provided the meaning. He was the one, Sirius, not just the love, the one I felt safe with. You're good, we're friends, but I will never fall apart with you like I fell apart with him, he was the home I could have a panic attack in and feel comfortable, while you're the one pulling me up from that. The last fucking oxygen molecule in a gas chamber at the edge of the galaxy. He was the home, and now I have nothing, and I could lie and forget and hide when I'm not here."

"But this is a memorial of your firsts." He looked her up and down, she was trembling, but her face held together. She shook like a leaf in a hurricane, like she'd be swept away any second now. 

"This is a cemetery for my happiness. Sirius, I cannot do this. I don't know how to fall apart without him to hold me together. If I fall apart now, I will never make it back to this," she gestured at herself. 

He wanted to say so much, but he knew it wouldn't be enough. 

He said nothing, and Ella didn't either. The two found out that tragedy and silence are often found at the same place.

::

She woke up sweaty. 

Sirius slept at the top bunk, and he heard rustling so often he woke up, peering down, half- asleep, and he saw a layer of sweat covering her body, and far too concerned, he stepped down and woke her up.

She looked around wildly, before her eyes landed on Sirius. "Regulus?"

He froze as he looked at her, and she suddenly realized it was Sirius. "How do you know him?"

"I..." she furrowed her eyebrows. It was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't say it. How did she know him? Who was he? "I... I'm dying?" she uttered out, confused. A part of her knew someone was waiting for her.

"Ella?" Sirius asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I have never told you about my younger brother. Just that he existed. I need to know more." She raised her eyes to meet his, and her heart broke.

She was his daughter. 

Of course he could never trust her. 

"Sirius, I don't know," she breathed out, "Please, take me to Snape, let him look through my mind, I don't understand what's going on in my head either. I--" she suddenly realized she was shaking, her whole body making the bed move along with her tremblings. "Sirius, I can't be here. I am everything bad in this world. I am not lying to you, I will never, but I should not be here. I should not be alive."

"Ella-"

"I should not." she stopped him. "I can't do it."

Sirius nodded, sighing. He stood up, and walked to her suitcase. He took out sweatpants and a sweatshirt, handing them to her, and stepped up to dress up similarly. She put on the pants, and covered her pajamas with the sweatshirt. "I'm taking you to Snape," he said simply. "Not because I think you are lying, but I think we should make sense of your head. He is the best at this, even if I don't want to admit it. I think it's about time Dumbledore gives us the answers you deserve."

Ella looked down at her lap, before nodding. She felt smelly, but she couldn't possibly do anything that Sirius wasn't leading her into. 

The only person alive she loves whole-heartedly leads her out of the room, and she follows.

Just before this one too will slip away from her.