Diary

My thoughts.

Ok so,
It's like night time at 3:58 am and I just really wanted to write down some thoughts and feelings.
First off, I'm just gonna be real honest right now and tell you or who Ever is reading. I've been and still am so fucking confused for the last couple years that it just hurts my head thinking about it to hard. It's so hard to accept who you are as a person and be ok with it, its so hard. And I still can't do it. I don't even know what fucking gender I am, if I love girls or boys, if I should just forgot about everything and just try to be invisible so i'll never have to think about who I love. I break down in tears because it's so fucking hard. It's the worst feeling ever, the feeling that you don't even know who you are. You don't even know what your supposed to do if someone calls you "lesbian" or "gay" if you should tell them,
"yep I am, got a problem?" Or say "SHUT UP IM NOT GAY!??"

If I was asked to wear a dress and put makeup on for say a school play, musical or something. I couldn't and wouldn't, It's not that I hate dresses or something. It's a weird feeling I can only explain as if I'm a straight and normal guy who wouldn't even think twice about wearing a dress or doing that type of stuff. I've tried putting on makeup and wearing dresses and girly things so that maybe I won't be anything different from just a normal teenage girl. But I'm not normal, nothing About me is normal. Ok, because this is my fucking diary I may as well add I'm on the verge of tears. Fuck you brain. I also really wanna get a binder. is that bad? If I got a long one it might help with my insecure stomach and also because I actually wanna wanna be more flat chested just saying, boobs suck in my opinion. They get in the flipping way when I run and go all over place. Ok, I'm sounding like a transgender. Fuck I don't even know anymore. I wish God could just send me a little letter which would land on my bed and it contained my sexuality and gender identity. Now that would be cool. Anyway I'm just gonna go with it, see where this takes me. Which then again is hard because I don't really know what to do if I see a cute guy or girl. Or if I wish I was a guy. Or if I like being a girl. fuck this.

And because I'm here now I may as well write down some other stuff that's been picking at me.
Myself. I'm gonna be honest again because I don't give a single fuck anymore and tell you flat out I really don't like myself,
just like so many people out there. When the best and most amazing friend ever tells you that your her little comedian or your her best friend and she misses you all the time. It makes ta heart warm, but them at the same time. I seriously don't get it. I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm not skinny, my voice is fucking annoying as shit, my sense of humour is all I got and its offensive as shit and I'm a flat out jerk to people. I sometimes say the meanest things and I'm like "fuck man... I'm actually really mean, why would people even want to be around me?"
If I met myself, I definitely wouldn't Like me. ever heard that saying "be the person you'd wanna be friends with" or something.
Ya, that shit ain't flying....
I just don't get it... anyway,
I say anyway a lot... don't judge me.

Surprisingly enough I really like helping people,like Friday for instance I helped my friend Ben with some girl that he loves and I actually think I helped him and gave him some good advice.. and he was happy, and that mad me happy c:
Lewl.
There's also a new girl in our class and she's literally my twin.
We have the same hair cut, she even dyed her hair blue once but know it's brown like my natural hair colour. she knows and loves the same bands as me, we've literally jinx ourselves be saying
"Yeahhhhhhhhjhh" to someone X3
Oh and we both (and by the way we have never meet someone else who did this but...) we both doodle little squares with crosses through then when we're bored and we were like,

Her: Omfg, I've never meet someone who did that.

Me: holy grocamoly neither.

Her: that's awesome!!!!!

And then we both showed each other the previous pages of other days of work with that same little doodle on the pages, it's so cool..
Also we've both been called dyke and lesbians because of our short hair cuts. it kinda shows you how good our lgbt+ education is at our school... Also if I'm transgender

Ok I'm gonna go.
Bye guys.. and have a muffin🍆