Hey guys.
As the title says I'm writing about my phobias, habits and some anxiety attacks I've been having recently.
To start off, I had an anxiety attack in English on Thursday and it was bad. I hid it pretty well but holy cow. I started thinking about how my farther had just gotten a sun spot taken out of his leg. And I started hyperventilating slightly thinking about my nana how had/has diabetes and breast cancer and how cancer sort of runs through the family. And then I was thinking that my grandparents and parents will die one day and that made it worse. Then I freaked out even more by thinking about I'm most likely am gonna die from cancer and my brain started imaging all this black stuff crawling on to my family and me getting consumed fully and then melting down to the floor, I started biting my pointer finger on my left hand which I do when I freak out. It helps a little. And I started to try and calm myself down by counting all the lines on my pages and trying to think of other things. It eventually helped. So yeah, I really hate it when my brain does that. Basically the samething happened a few days ago with me thinking about my dad being disapproving, homophobic and I kept thinking about the look on his face when I wear ripped jeans and my flannel, when he sees the dirt underneath my toe nails yelling at me to clean them to be "lady like"
I feel like I have no control over these thoughts and it drives me even crazier.Anyway, *sigh*
Next topic...
My phobias/fears
Ok, these might sound stupid but here goes nothing,
My phobia of aeroplanes, I'm petrified of going on planes. This fear has only started a couple years ago, I think it's developed from watching aeroplane crashes, being in a plane with it basically spinning out of control whole landing, and mother fucking turbulence. Firstly yes, one time on a plane the back wheels of the plane while landing skidded kind of making us drift and basically everyone was screaming like it was the end, including me... And this year going to China when I was stepping on to the plane and I saw the door for the plane and those hostesses I started having an panic attack also hyperventilating. Some hostesses asked me if I was ok me just replying "it's fine" I had that feeling at the bottom of my stomach even before take off just by sitting in the seat. When we had turbulence I literally thought we were all gonna die so I just gripped the arm rest closing my eyes and thinking up a way to escape the plane and hopefully not dying. Also aeroplane toilets scare me. Don't ask, the noise when it flushes scares me a lot. So what I do if I HAVE to go I unlock the door ready to run for my life, start to open the door slowly then lean over pressing the flush button running out before I can hear that noise. So overall aeroplanes really genuinely scare me.Next is more of an intense fear, the fear of losing a friend or someone close to me. Which is probably because.
1) I haven't lost a family member yet.
2) I haven't lost a close friend yet. (Paris doesn't count because I was a dumb shit and didn't become friends with her.)
3) I'm insecure.
In scared that my friends will find me boring and hang out with someone else. That they'll find me to weird that it calms me by counting the steps up the stairs to class or the lines on my book. What if they find a new person who's better then what I try to be and completely forget about me. I'm scared of losing. I'm always anxious that someone who I know is going to die, I didn't have friends in old schools and I don't want that to happen again. I don't won't to get back to that. Sometimes if a Very close friend hangs out with someone else I start freaking out that I'm going to be replaced. I know it's stupid but it's what I do and people should be allowed to hang out with other people.. But I've had this problem since prep. (Year 1) I remember having one best friend called jade and one day she hung out with someone else and I got so mad and upset. I started yelling at her things like
"Go and play with your new friend!"
"Why aren't you with me!"
Jealous much.... *authors small laugh*
That was the first time I saw jade cry, and it was because of me. I made her cry.. And I still remember her sad face.
Ugh, I'm getting off topic. Your probably bored out of your mind reading this.Another thing which isn't a phobia or what ever is I get so emotional if someone goes out of there way to help me/care about me. And sometimes it the times when someone does these things is when I most need it. When a man gave me 20 cent to buy something at a shop. When a man gave me some tissues and a water bottle when I was crying at the airport because my dad wasn't there to pick me up, when he gave my those things I started crying even more because of his small act of kindness. I felt so stupid for wasting his things but then I felt so happy even though I was crying.. When one day at school I was feeling depressed and want to cry a girl Simone came up and used her own time to ask if I was ok and we had a little conversation making me smile and laugh while I tried to keep back the tears, but tears not because of my depression but because Simone didn't have to talk to me, but she did and it made me feel worth something. See how small those things are? Yet they made me feel so great.
It really is the little things.
YOU ARE READING
Diary
HumorHola, My names Ace and yeah... This is my diary and I'm going to write my days and events of my pathetic excuse for a life.