Diary

Annoying things that come with being genderfluid

Firstly,
This may not apply for all people it's just what I've experienced.

In science yesterday we were doing this random thing when we got separated under some type of category, it's hard to explain. But the teacher told the boys to stand up and then separated the ones with light or dark hair, fat, skinny, tall, short, freckles ect. And then he told the " girls" to stand up. And honestly I hesitated a lot. So much fun when your feeling gender less. God it sucked. I got put under "short hair" because I'm the only girl in our class that day with short hair and that was about it. God, I really wanted to just stay seated and if he asked "what are doing? Stand up!" I would hope to have the courage to say "sir I'm not a girl." And then see how he would react. He'd probably be like,
"ok, girls and Ace"

Another annoying thing is that I have a natural resting depressed face. So people ask me if I'm ok alllllll thheeee timeeeere -.- sometimes I'm actually not feeling happy but majority I'm fine.

I've come to realise I'm gonna try and make the most of each day and really live a life I want to live. Life Is short when you think about it so why waste that precious time mopping around, being lazy, acting all depressed every. Single. Day. I know I'm bad at making friends and getting active so it'll be hard to go out side and not point out every flaw I have when I look into the mirror. And instead see a pretty person who's happy. Because who genuinely likes being depressed and sad all the time, happiness is a choice whether you think so or not. I still find it hard trying to push myself up and be happy it's really fucking hard actually. But I do it. And so can you who ever is reading this, next time you look at yourself REALLY look at yourself and think about what is pretty about yourself. Maybe you have very nice colour eyes, maybe your hair is a colour that you really like, do you like the way you smile, walk, talk. There must be something you like about yourself. Maybe it's even your personality! Be confident and try not to care what one stupid person thinks. Seriously who cares if she doesn't like you having short hair! I've had people say I looked prettier with long hair and I should grow it out, but guess what. I'm not gonna change what I like to look like because they want me to. "FUCK YOU!" Is all you should say because my friends said my hair is still fucking fabulous and so many more people liked it, and most of all I love my short hair so screw it!
And it's completely fine to be depressed! It's as natural as being happy, we all feel emotions so don't beat your self up for it. What your feeling right now, whether your depressed, suicidal, happy, numb. It's practically certain that other people in the world are feeling exactly the same as you are. Your never alone. If you feel like you want to end your life get a therapist! If you won't do it for yourself do it for the ones who love you. And don't you dare say no one loves you. Because that's a lie, and you know it. Trust me if you see self harm or feel like someone is suicidal talk to them. Ive been filled with regret for so long now, I used to know a girl called Paris. Years ago I did silks and we took classes together. We talked and had a great time! I hadn't seen her for ages but then I became her neighbour unexpectedly. And she was older then me by a few years I'm pretty sure. And I made the mistake about not being her friend. To this day I feel like I could have helped her and maybe saved her life. (I get emotional talking about this so I'm in tears right now.) a year later in a different house my mom suddenly drops a bomb shell on me that she killed her self. And God bless you Paris I'm so sorry I didn't say hello, I never knew what you were going through and I just wish I could have done something. I know I'm a weak little shit but maybe I could have helped,
Oh god I don't even know where this is going anymore. Just please don't make the mistake I did. Reach out please. Because trust me if you don't and a person you could have helped takes there own life you will feel terrible and guilty I can't even imagine what Paris parents felt. Im certain she was a only child, and she was so fucking pretty and kind and caring. I should shut up now. I'd rather not publish this, but I'm going to, to try and do my part in helping someone