The Wake.

31

"So, you—" Her heartbeat had raised and she felt like her cheeks were tingling a little, his hands were still around them, she tried to calm herself down mentally but it wasn't really possible. "Why?"

"What why?" He stared into her big brown eyes.

"Why now? You never did such things before. And you said you loved me back then too, so why all of this now? Why this trip? Why did you jump off the cliff like a teenager? Why are you trying to stay close to me? Why are you not letting me clean and do the housework? Why do you want to stay in the same room?" Everything she had been trying not to speak had finally been said, her voice as much as she tried to keep it from breaking, it eventually did.

"I told you I'll make things right from now." His fingers moved to push her hair strands behind her ears.

"You never said you were wrong in the past." It came out as a sad memory as she looked down at her hands.

"But I was." Those words had silenced her for a moment and then she remembered more, the day when she had started hoping for things to be better between them, after her birthday and then the dinner he was supposed to take her to and every single time when she had thought she would try to convey her feelings to him, it had only ever brought her pain, in the end.

"No, no, please. I don't want to be in the same situation again." Iraj moved his hands away from her face and pushed herself back.

"That will not happen again." He swallowed the pain of guilt with a deep sigh.

Her face had a smile of disbelief and she shook her head, tears fell from her eyes to the bedsheet, "Will you never feel that other women who can be much better than me and—"

"Iraj." Azfar's jaw and chest tightened at what he had made her believe into thinking about herself, "Please jaan." How could he have left her feeling like that all along? He had never grown on his thoughts beyond the point of only his love for her and had not even once wondered what it must've been for her, he had never been able to make her feel loved, not even once, "I am very sorry, I am. I am, meri jaan, there's nothing about you that makes me feel anything other than how lucky I was to have you till I ruined everything myself."

"You always said I was irresponsible. You said I never knew what hard work is." She was speaking slowly facing downwards but her nose was reddening with tears and snot and it looked like she was going to collapse if she didn't stop speaking, "Maybe you were right, but I am tired, I don't—"

Azfar tried to move closer to her but stopped when he saw her struggling to even breathe, "No, my wife is very responsible, she always did everything perfectly, I just never, I never appreciated her enough, she never complained about her very absent husband to her parents, she always gave time to her husband's parents more than he himself did, she followed her husband's stupid routine for everything, she never fought with him for the things he had been doing wrong and whenever he hurt her, she used to cook his favorite food and he wasn't even attentive about it, she tried to be a good wife to him but he just— he was just an unfortunate shitty man all along."

She was going through the memory lane when he spoke, the images flashed her eyes when she'd end up breaking things and then he would give her that look of disapproval even when he wouldn't say anything to her, "I did try to—"

He knew very well what had torn her heart, the day when he had put an end to her hopes with his insults, "I know jaan, I know."

"I didn't break that model on purpose Azfar." He had never wanted to even make her speak of it again. It was the worst day of his life. That too not because of anyone else but himself.

"Jaan." She stared at her hands when he called out to her.

"But you didn't listen to me." He felt disgusted with himself, hearing her recall it all.

"I'm sorry. So sorry." Shutting his eyes he felt a tear run down his face.

Iraj tried her best to breathe opening her mouth, "I felt so ashamed of myself." Her head shook slightly and there wasn't any ease to her throat.

"Iraj, please." Leaping forward at her he shifted her in his arms, rubbing his hands over her back, "Jaan, calm down, please." It was useless now, she was unstable. "I'm sorry. Let's not talk about this."

"I want to sleep." She whispered with the last bit of strength left.

"Okay." He took his shoes off and hers were already on the floor.

Laying down he held her with him with one hand on the back of her head and the other on her back, "Do you want something else?"

She didn't say anything and her eyes were closed so he asked again, "Candies? Hot chocolate before sleeping?"

"Azfar, don't ever tell baba about it, please, promise me." A sudden thought crossed her mind that her parents had not called her in the last two months but she knew they would now, anytime soon.

"Tell him what jaan? There isn't anything to tell." He hated that she had to worry about that, he hated that her mind was stressing over her parents.

"About my disease." He couldn't breathe. Could it have been more painful and tormenting than what it was already, he had to even hear her cry while saying that.

"There's nothing wrong with you." Azfar took her hands in his bringing them to his face and then kissed them.

"I can't even paint my own nails, I think we both know there is a lot more than just wrong with me." She was feeling a bit less distressed.

"No, there isn't." It was absurd. He wanted his wife to break things now purposely, he wanted her to make his days miserable and he wanted to be troubled by her pranks and tricks, he wanted all of it back desperately, "Allah wanted me to be a better husband, so he's just providing me an opportunity to do it now."

"I think it's my punishment, I never prayed regularly that's why." She was nodding to herself, her eyes at the ceiling and Azfar was burning with the desire to have been dead before hearing such things from the woman he couldn't live without, "I do now. Even at Fajr. I hope I get forgiven." How could the most innocent woman even think that she needed forgiveness for things she'd never done wrong?

"Jaan— Iraj." He just wanted to be sure though he knew that the doctors had told him it was a very common side effect of the condition and it had made him lose his senses completely that day, "Does it hurt, does it hurt ever? Anywhere?"

"No." Her tears had halted and Azfar's had begun to flow now.

"I know I've already hurt you more than what you must feel now." Confessing openly to her made him realize that as much as he had thought his efforts would somehow try to ease her pain away, it was long journey to that point, even now.

"I'm going to sleep." Iraj closed her eyes.

"Alright." She could hear his voice breaking and feel that he was trying hard to keep his crying silent. It took Iraj a few minutes to fall asleep, it was evening and Azfar was holding her in bed wishing with every breath, for her pain to be transferred to him, for her to be happy again, for her to live a life like she used to before he had married her.

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