broken and brusied(warrior)

27

Sams pov....

Dear diary,
     What do I do? One minute life is fine, the next my anxiety and depression is telling my a worthless piece of shit. Just like they tell me everyday I walk home, just like they  told me when I use to go the same school as them.

Life isn't perfect, I know. But for once I want to feel pretty, perfect. And all the other things.
      See ya, dude x

*****

It's sunny when I wake up on Wednesday. I get in the shower.

Today its my 17th birthday. I hate celebrating my birthday. I'm only anthor year old. It's not like I'm getting married or anything, is it?  No.

Once out, I pull my wet hair up into a French braid. And put on a pair of white shorts, pink Lacey bra and a pink shirt. I wear my black vans, and leather jacket.

My leather jacket is my baby, I could never go anywhere with out it.

I get in my car and head to school. Parking in my usual spot next to Hanna. Fuck knows why don't just car share. I could save loads of money, if we did, coz then I wouldn't have to spend so much on petrol.

" hi sam" Chloe says "Happy birthday"  she hands me a present.

'Thanks"  Its a green day shirt. I give Chloe a hug.

"It's Okayyyy, btw we have English first"

"See you then?"  I dump my new t-shirt in my car, and head over to the maths stairs, where I normally hang with Aeden and Hanna and the others.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you happy birthday dear sammy bear, happy birthday to you" they sing when they see me. 

"Thanks guys" I say with a smile.

Is it going to be like this all day? I'm slowly going insane.  I think to myself.

"Blow out the candles then"  Hanna says.

I notice a chocolate cake, with a few candles on.  I make a wish then, blow out the candles.

" Thanks" I say with a smile.

****
The day continued like this, people saying happy birthday or badly singing. Either I didn't care, I was just anthor year old what's the big deal?

"Happy birthday Sam" Mum greets as I walk in the front door.

"Erugh" I graon to myself. I dump my bag near the coat rack. I walk to the kitchen to find my Mum holding a a present wrapped up along with a chocolate cake sitting on the table.

Chocolate cake  was grandad Jim's favourite..

"It's not much, but its something" mum says handing me the present.

I open it to find a charm bracelet. It has a pink love heart charm and a blue music note.

"Thanks Mum! I love it!" I exclaim giving my a hug.

I get a drink of water from the fridge.

"I'm glad you like it." Mum says lighting the candles on the cake.

Not again... I think to myself.

"Make a wish and blow out the candles then" mum says. With a smile

"I wish I was dead," once I thought of my wish I blow out the candles.

I mean what's the point of being alive if you can't enjoy life. If your only alive because everyone else would be hurt if you were gone.  I want to be with my grandad. He ment every thing to me.

I head to my room after cutting a slice of cake. I take it to my room with me.

Once sitting on my bed, tears begin to roll down my face. 

My life seems perfect but it isn't I'm hurt,I'm broken.

I pull out a pack a cigarette's  that I kept in my bed side cabnet. I put it my lips and lit it.  With every drag, I felt happy, I felt numb. I felt myself become one step closer to happiness.

A little while later, after chucking the slice of cake in the bin, I fall asleep. I didn't want it. The thought of eatting, was making me feel sick. It made me want to thorw up.  Even the slight of food made me feel sick.

a'n; so what you think?

Sorry for long update.
Took me ages to write this.
Next update will be soon.

Have a lovely weekend.

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