Lights, Camera, Action [N.H]

23

another chapter with niall's perspective!  i really hope you guys enjoy this one. I'm trying hard to get chapters written and out but they're taking longer than expected bc they're so in-depth. regardless, i hope you like! also, song of the chapter is 'santa doesn't know you like i do' by sabrina carpenter (just go with it), it comes up later in the chapter :)

There was something so dreadful about monotony. Maybe it had something to do with my love for movies, romance and the thrill of love itself. The feelings were complete opposites, so stark in difference that by loving one, I automatically hated the other. I couldn't think of anything worse than repeating the same day over and over, repeating your life and everything about it in a vicious, unfulfilling circle. Movie montages somehow managed to make it look fun, when the character wakes up day after day to their alarm, repeating their morning step-by-step in exact succession. It was comedic in the movies, but the thought of that becoming my life made me sick. I changed my alarm tone all the time to prevent myself from feeling that stuckness. If something stayed the same for too long it made me feel uneasy. Spinning in circles, never making any progress, I couldn't imagine how the feeling would give anyone comfort. I tried to understand, but I honestly feel incapable whenever I try.

How would anyone ever want things to stay the same?

The only way I ever got close to a shred of understanding was when I heard people say that change is scary. But that tiny, millimetre-sized slice of understanding shattered into pieces the second I thought; well, isn't staying the same scarier?

To me, it absolutely was. There wasn't anything comforting about staying the same, it truthfully seemed like a waste of time. Endless potential for growth, millions of possibilities of the person you could be if you just... let go. If you stop clinging to the past and allow yourself to change, to ebb, and to flow. Maybe it was because I'm a water sign, or maybe it was because thats how I raised myself. If you don't allow for change to come into your life, you risk losing anything exciting that awaits you, only because you want to stay glued in place. Tragic, isn't it? Wouldn't you rather the thrill that awaits you, a rollercoaster ride from the person you are now, and the destination is whoever you want to be? The life you want? It's a scary ride, sure, but I'd argue that remaining the exact same, stagnant, scared little child is far more embarrassing than taking a little leap. Hence why I had no sympathy for people who couldn't fling themselves from the bridge that is their own self-doubt. Use whatever phrases and quotes you have to, just enough to give you the motivation. But do it. God knows I have, and I'm mortified. But excited.

The combination of those two feelings alone gave me enough to keep me going when I doubted this whole notion. Because truthfully, sometimes you look over the edge of the rollercoaster to your surroundings, with thoughts erupting in your brain as you ascend through the clouds. 

Am I actually going anywhere? 

Is this ride ever going to be over? 

Well, heres the kicker - the second you start waiting for the rollercoaster ride to be over with, is the second you glue yourself to the concrete again. The rollercoaster is a euphemism - the thrill of change and the beauty of growth that comes with it. The second you start doubting the road, groaning and digging your feet and wondering when it'll all be over with, is the second that you lose your potential to grow. You're trying to shortcut the journey and fast-forward through the thrill, it defeats the whole purpose. This tour was it for me, my fast-tracked, golden ticket towards a portion of life with non-stop thrill, change, and excitement. 

There was just one wrench in this feeling.

A man.

One that was tall, one that was understanding. A man who was beautiful and charismatic, honest and full. One that made me feel warm on top of all else. A man who allowed me to giggle and boast with laughter, and encouraged me to change and continue to grow every time we went out on stage. To become a better version of myself every day, and one that was romantic. A gorgeous man, that above all, made me feel... comfort.