Lights, Camera, Action [N.H]

14

apologies for the delay. it's a long chapter and I've been having some trouble lately, but I hope you enjoy! there's like 5 different songs that can be 'song of the chapter' but i like 'bloom' by troye sivan :) also pls enjoy the polaroids for this chapter, all three are edited by yours truly :,)

The three of us spent the rest of the week essentially getting up to no good, watching movies and wreaking havoc on the people in rooms around us. After a week that barely felt like work, scattered with editing throughout my nights alone in my room, it finally came time for Niall to put his big boy pants on and perform for the first time on tour.

It filled me with so much nervous energy that I asked Niall to borrow one of the cars to go for a drive alone. I thought about taking another bike ride, but the weather didn't fancy me. It wasn't horrible, I just didn't feel much like it, and I didn't particularly want the company either. I took one of the cars and my camera. I wasn't sure I wanted to use it at all, I'm sure the memory card would be full just from my first night on tour just mere hours from now. It was early morning, but I could barely sleep. It wasn't even my show but I would place bets that I was just as nervous as Niall, maybe more.

Ever since I'd taken my old job and became friends with Ashlee, she hadn't held a single thought back. She was always supportive, but would never lie if she thought I was making a mistake. She never said this was a mistake, the complete opposite, actually. She reminded me over and over that I would be a complete idiot not to do it, but approaching the opening hour of Niall's first show with an intense velocity left me feeling a bit... off. Off in ways, empty in others. I felt a bit out of place, more than I had the entire time I'd known both him and Claire. They both had a purpose, far more than I did. All I was required to do was take photos, and they were running the show.

Literally.

Niall is such an incredible performer, pulling sold-out shows for the entire first leg of his tour, Claire told me she had to work with the venues to add more dates, he's just that popular. It was still jarring to be in the presence of somebody like that, and as much as I tried not to think about it, I found it difficult at times. I mean, he had the world at his fingertips. Go anywhere, do anything. But, he chose to perform. He chose to sing, to dance, to be on stage where he felt the most at home. To have a purpose so secure, so sure, I was jealous. To have the validation of thousands of people on the daily that what I was doing with my life was correct, and that I was meant to be where I am. I didn't even have self validation.

I people-watched out the windows of the car, and drove slowly around the city, with no clear destination in mind. Practically driving in circles, I became content with the quiet buzz of the radio and the mists of Belfast in my vision. Passersby's had clothing on to bask in the weather like they hadn't seen the sun in months.

Maybe I should move overseas? Find a place on tour I like, and never leave.

Maybe that was my purpose.

I felt lost and wandering without one, not that I'd made a mistake, but that being home was safer than this. Being home, I wasn't so far out of my comfort zone, I didn't have to worry so much about whether or not I was good enough, I could just daydream.

Sometimes I dreamt, more often nowadays because I felt my mind wandered more at night with the fewer hours I slept. I remember when I used to sit at my desk and daydream, but I was always too scared. Back then, they were just daydreams, but now I was in the thick of it. I tried my best to suck it up, using the rest of the drive to get my mind off the fears that I was inadequate and lonely. They were strong feelings, hard to rid, but after driving for about an hour, I headed back to the hotel and parked the car back where I found it. I didn't use my camera at all, unsurprisingly. I took a photo or two of my surroundings when I stopped to eat, posting them to my Instagram story like I used to when I found something pretty and admirable. I had a light lunch alone in a cafe before returning, but jumped straight into the evening I'd been waiting for; Niall's first show.