Lights, Camera, Action [N.H]

25

merry christmas everybody! (i know I'm a bit early) - but in the spirit, i'd like to present you with a chapter than I'm sure you've been waiting for. it's a short one, but i promise ill try my best not to make the next wait so long!  funnily enough, the song for the chapter is you could start a cult by Niall - and DON'T BE SCARED, this is nowhere NEAR the end :) 

There was an entire lifetime of events that flashed through my mind right as Niall started to sing. Funnily enough, it reminded me of death, and your final moments before you get taken away. I don't claim to know what happens, but everyone has their theories. I've always heard that when you die, apparently all the important events and people in your life flash before your eyes in the space of milliseconds. Who knows if thats real, or why it would happen to begin with. I think we all just need something to believe in, and a sequence of all the best things that have happened before can really make you feel good about dying. It's a funny thing, having no control over your situation, and the narratives people come up with in order to find comfort in the uncomfortable. How quickly we become selfish, making everything about us. Yes, I get you're dying, but maybe it just... is what it is. maybe you just die, and it's nothing special. People die every day, but we do our best as emotional creatures - anything to make ourselves feel more comfortable about leaving this world. It must be one of the biggest mysteries, what happens when we die. Nobody truly knows, so we just like to assume it's positive. Blinking through everything amazing in your history - everything that you've ever considered important - that's gotta be the best possible outcome, right? Religions think they have it all figured out, but everyone believes something different. We just try to think that theres something good that comes from all the chaos and uncertainty.

This was my chaos.

Feeling truly in control is usually an illusion, theres almost nothing in life that you every have 100% control over. Your actions, maybe. But sometimes even that can be a convincing illusion. Drugs, alcohol, mental disorders, they mess with your perception and make you say and do stupid things. It's why we feel better when we're high or drunk on life; they're truly the ones controlling you. You almost never have to take responsibility. Just say; The drugs made me do it! It's an escape, one that can make you feel euphoric for so many reasons. It had been forever since I'd been high, but it didn't do much for me when I was already so honest anyway. I was probably smoking joints wrong, it was supposed to be so much more. All I felt was tired, considering everyone I'd used to smoke with I would usually speak my mind with anyway, so it ended up just becoming a waste of money. I thought of other drugs, harder ones. But that didn't seem like me. Drugs just never seemed to draw me in the way I felt like they should. Whats the appeal? Was it the intensity? The room spinning? Are the colours brighter? Maybe I should try it, but that was never the issue. I was scared of the things I'd think if I got too high. How honest could I truly be? What things would I say? What would I do? They don't call it 'being under the influence' for nothing. I was afraid to find out what words would escape my mouth when my sober mind wasn't the only one influencing my decision making.

But I haven't even talked about the biggest influence of them all; love. Love makes everyone do crazy things. Jump off buildings, sacrifice your life, allowing your wellbeing to plummet. Many would argue these things aren't actually love, but instead some twisted version of toxicity and codependency. Regardless, if you believe it's love, it'll turn you vile. Horrible things can happen when you're in love, but so much good can happen too. It's why I'm addicted to the feeling, arguably more than any hard drug I could ever get my hands on. I'm not sure I've ever felt it in it's purest form, instead the worst possible version you could think of. Yelling, arguments, insecurities rising to the surface and controlling my every thought. That was the kind of thing I've experienced, and all I've ever wanted was true love. The kind that makes you say ridiculous things, act in ridiculous ways. Ways you'd never think to even act had you been in control of yourself. But I didn't want to be in control anymore, at least I don't think I did. It fell hand-in-hand with my desire for chaos, uncertainty and change. The pair of emotions kept my heartbeat fast, my body in a permanent sense of flight mode, adrenaline desperate to be released from every pore. I loved the feeling.