"Diary"

Entry #10

Sometimes I feel that I am too...."dark" meaning that I can elaborately and without hesitation think of death.
Death fascinates me. I don't love it but I don't hate it. I have a small relationship with death mostly pertaining to me because I've had many,many,many close calls throughout my life but I've never experienced the death of a loved one like being there in there last moments and seeing them fade from their body and witnessing their soul being lifted from them. It sounds quite angelic but the silver lining about death is.....well there hardly is any silver except if the person who passed was in pain,they aren't in pain anymore and they're free from this "dark" world. One of my friends said to me that I'm dark" or morbid because of the things I say and a question I have asked. I pass off what he says and think well the world is what the world is and it's dark and unsettling. I think he doesn't like me talking about those things,well no one does but I thought he would be more understanding but I see him as just not wanting to know and doesn't want the mood brought down by me. The question I said to him (it was actually a group people) was "if you died what would you want to do with your body." Just that....that was the question and yes it's morbid but it's also just conversation,no one was talking and I asked it cause I was curious. I did get one answer though....one of my other friends that was in the group said he wanted to be cremated and I think have his ashes thrown to the sea too but if anything someone just might want to keep him.
Part of me thinks I should of died already,I shouldn't be here unless it was for a reason and honestly I still don't really know why. It could be for The Girl,that's why I'm still here. She needed someone and poof I came into her life nearly defeated by many things,so why take me in? I could ask her.