Fear.....has been on my mind as of late. It's begging the question of what do I fear,what do I dread. What do I fear.....what do I dread? What I fear......what I dread? The more you ask the question,the more answers you come up with it. What I fear is uncertainty,which doesn't make sense because our entire life is uncertainty. We have no idea what will happen to tomorrow or within the next two hours. My level of uncertainty combines with a difficult level of paranoia and anxiety. It is very toxic,most people can understand and most people don't. Early on in my life I never had anxiety attacks or fits of paranoia because I wasn't in love or have someone to fixate my mind on. Now I do and it's all a new experience to me and I try to remember how I feel each time I have an attack or a fit mostly because it's different and terrifying to have heart beat at such a speed that you breath faster than you actually need to and start to feel like you might....die. All this is caused mostly by feeling anger,fear and jealousy at an extreme level. Anger because I'm mad that whatever is happening is happening,fear because whatever I fear is happening is actually happening and jealousy because all of this is revolved around The Girl. It's jealousy because I care too much and I love too much and it is a terrible way to know when.......you're in love with someone,I'll discuss later more about The Girl but now is now. What we are afraid of usually keeps most people in check,for those that arent afraid of anything are usually,I'm not saying all of them are, they usually ones with they have nothing to lose. When men have nothing to lose they bargain the last thing they can lose,their life. They're all risk takers and they believe they don't have anything else to lose. They do lose the affection of others,the wanting of them, they lose people in a different way. We all have to remind ourselves that we will lose something even when we don't think we have anything to lose. Contemplate that when you think you have nothing or no one,trust me.....you do have someone and they have you.
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"Diary"
RandomI've done diaries in the past but I got the urge to do one again because of mad men. I went straight to the episode of don on his own in his apartment ,writing down his thoughts.
