Babe.

32.

Blanca.

I couldn't sleep. I felt so anxious my hands were trembling violently and I'd broken out in a cold sweat. Tomorrow we had to go home. The idea of going back to the Valley made me want to go throw myself off the roof of our house.

I had taken refuge up there not wanting to wake anyone or have anyone bother me. I peeked over the edge to check the distance, would I actually die if I jumped? Stop it Blanca, don't be ridiculous, I thought brushing off the idea, I wasn't that lost yet.

Exhaling I tried to calm myself down as I mentally counted the months I had left before I would never ever have to back to my childhood home, which I hated with every fibre of my being.
It didn't help.

Finally giving in a snatched the packet of cigarettes I'd hidden in the chimney I was sitting against and pulled one out. Clicking down the button of my lighter I held the cigarette against the flame inhaling deeply. I hugged my knees against myself as the smoke warmed my body from within.

I glared down at my knees feeling more pathetic than ever because i couldn't even blame anyone for this, I'd created this situation for myself. I was the problem and I didn't know how to solve myself.

Ella had suggested I see a shrink but that would have meant me actually admitting to my parents that there was something wrong with me and the idea of that, of admitting to the people I wanted to impress the most that I was anything less than perfect was something I couldn't stomach. Not now and probably not ever, I had dug myself into this hole far too deeply.

Run away, I heard the little voice in my mind whisper, you could always run away. I had considered that idea a million times but I'd never been able to do it so far, not that that stopped the idea from being incredibly appealing.

I pressed my feet into the ground trying to keep myself rooted to the floor and from doing something stupid. Tilly, Emmanuel, Nika, Ty, Kya, Ella, Nico, Benny. I repeated the names over and over my to myself reminding myself what I would lose if I ran away.

I snatched my Walkman off the floor and shoved the earbuds in my ears clicking play, Frank Sinatra's "Somethin' Stupid" blasted in my ears settling something deep inside me. I'd been obsessed with this song since childhood, my grandfather had always sung it to me to help me fall asleep.

"Aren't those really bad for you?" I heard a familiar voice ask.

"They're horrible for you." I replied as Ty took a seat beside me. "Don't start."

"You can't talk." he replied amused, "but I wasn't going to anyways, it'll mess with my football."

"Attaboy, and don't snitch either." I warned him stubbing the cigarette out, no need to get him started.

"Don't worry, I'm not a narc." He muttered rolling his eyes. "So scale from one to ten how crazy are you going right now?"

"I broke the scale, I thought going back would be easier this time but it's actually so much worse." I told him surprisingly truthfully.

Ty nodded, "don't you think it would be funny to come back and suddenly not give a fuck? Seeing people's reactions?"

I snorted, "can you imagine the looks on their faces?"

"Shock horror when their favourite personal armrest slash worker bee stops functioning correctly probably." He said amused.

I shoved him laughing, "hey, don't be mean." It was true of course, I was their armrest/worker bee

"I'm not being mean I'm being truthful, which you should try more of." He shot back grinning.

I gasped in moch offence, "double whammy. You're really just keeping them coming you little shit."

"Well someone has to tell you, and for what it's worth I think it would be totally awesome if you came back and just started blowing off all the assholes you've been pimping your services out to."

"You make me sound like a prosititute!" I exclaimed not sure whether to be offended or amused.

"Well not exactly, prostutites are for sex you are like moral support or menial tasks for really old people." Ty pointed it in what I'm sure he thought was a perfect explanation.

"Oh right." I responded not entirely sure if the new definition was better. "Besides just stopping being crazy is not as easy as it sounds."

"The first step is to stop caring so much what other people think." Ty said, "and to do that you have to realise what complete losers people are."

I raised my eyebrows, "oh yeah? And how do you figure I do that?"

"You start by realising that everyone has problems they're trying to hide from others and that they're way too busy focusing on those to notice yours. And trust me there are a lot worse problems that being a pathalogical people pleaser." He replied, "like being a crack whore, or a real prostitute, or that girl in my year with massive teeth."

"Your mind is way too dirty, what do you know about crack whores?"

"That's not my point. My point is, stop stressing, the world will keep spinning even if you stop bending over backwards for other people. It spun before you and it'll spin after, so why not during you?"

That was an astoundingly good point, "how the hell did you get so wise? Your twelve."

"And yet here I am spitting pearls of wisdom, that you should defnitely listen to to because I am one hundred percent correct."

"I guess you are." I agreed surprised by the fact that this little kid was giving me better advice than anyone ever had. "Funnily enough that helps more than you know."

"Good, so stem the panic attacks and the cigarettes and go to bed because they booked the train for way too early tomorrow."

"Will do Dad." I teased getting back up, "you should get back to bed too, what are you even doing up?"

"Nika's sister snores way too loud and I'm sharing with her, and then I saw your bed was empty so I figured you were tripping out, and I was right."

"Thanks for coming to cheer me up."

"Your welcome."