Wish I wasn't so shy

Someday

In a matter of minutes, we were back at my place. I couldn't pin point the emotions I was experiencing right now. More so my thought. It's like I want nothing more than to be with Julian and make love to him and be happy, but I also want to be mad at him and never forgive him for the pain he put me through.

Our car ride here was silent, and even know that we were in my place, it was silent. Julian looked at me and I let him, occasionally looking at him. Eventually he pulled me into him again. God, how I missed the smell of cigarette smoke on him. He also smelled faintly of booze.

He nuzzled his nose where my neck and chin meet, kissing there softly. I want him to do it again, but I want to sort out my feelings more. No, I should sort out my feelings.

"Jules, I-I'm not ready", I choked out. He pulled away all too fast. "You're right, sorry. I just...I missed you Maya", his voice cracked, like he was about to cry. It made me want to cry, it kind of made me feel bad for purposely giving him a hard time right now.

All of it made tears build up in my eyes, which Julian noticed, so he hugged me again, swaying us back and forth.

"Maya, let's start over. I'm ready to tell you about myself, I'm ready for you to tell me about yourself." He looked at me dead in the eye, waiting for my response. I nodded my head as he pulled us onto the couch. He began to speak.

"You already know about my parents' divorce so.... My dad had an affair with a 16 year old, mainly the reason why they split. I never really looked at him the same after I found out. My dad was never a fatherly figure to me, it was mostly my step dad, Sam. He's a painter. He kinda made me the person I am today.

"I was a bad kid in school, had shitty grades, drank at a very young age. I was about 13 the first time I got drunk, so that says a lot about me now. I was fucking up in school so my dad sent me to a boarding school in Switzland where I met Albert, Nick, and Fab. Then I went to Dwight here in New York. That's when I dropped school to do music. I've come to realise that it's not working out and now I work as a bartender who writes shitty songs." He trailed off, chuckling a bit.

"Come on Julian, your songs aren't bad. You should start a band", I suggest.

"Well actually, the guys and I were talking about it. I almost reconsidered 'cause of the thing with Nick." He said, looking at the ground like he was embarrassed. Then he looked intently at the ground, deep in thought.

"I guess it's my turn", I spoke to snap him out. He shot his head up and nodded for me to go on.

I took in a deap breath. Relax relax, you're only telling this man your life story.

"In the beginning, I had a pretty stable life. We lived upstate, away from the city which really drove me to the city. I wanted to explore. I was a daddy's girl, never really got along with my mom. I was very close to my older brother until he went to college when I was about 14, that's when we became distant and I became lonely." I looked at Julian to see if he was listening, it gave me deja vu back to the first time we talked.

"As a kid I was really into music, but never had the confidence to show anyone how I played, besides my brother. I played the guitar, wrote bad songs and trust me, compared to yours they were a crime." He laughed through his nose. "And I also got really into cinema. I remember watching Scarface when I was very young, not such a good idea. I made my first film when I was a freshman in high school, right before my brother went off to college. I was never that close to my younger brother and I never completely trusted my friends so I was a little lost from my high school years up to now. High school was horrible, I never had a proper boyfriend, never had a nice prom which I've always wanted, never had fun. Jack was a real burden on me, he put me through hell. So bad that one day...", I gulped. I was getting into the dark part.

"One day I snapped. I destroyed everything in my room, I broke my mirror which cut my hands. I was a mess. Jack called me an attention whore for doing it, didn't even help me. I made myself believe he was right. I continued to live in oblivion until my little brother found out about it and knocked some sense into me. He was always very smart and caught on quickly. Then my mom thought I needed therapy because of the breakdown I had." I got quiet, peeling the dead skin off my fingers. I didn't go full depth into the story, but it was the story most people knew if they knew.

I looked up Julian again, he watched me and listened and processes everything I was saying and storing it away in his mind. He gave me a little nod, motioning me to go on.

"The rest of my family ended up moving to Pennsylvania and I stayed here. So that's why I wanted to go to college so bad. I was an average student with average grades, I pretty much cheated my way through school. I never thought I'd be so excited for college until I was with Jack. And now I'm here."

All Julian said was, "I'm sorry." But what else would anyone say? He scooted closer to me, letting his head rest on my shoulder. "I'd really like to hear you play sometime", he continued.

I smiled at him. "Someday."

He giggled, saying that he made a song called Someday and that it was about me. Then it want silent again.

"Maya", he lifted his head up, "Can we be together?" Those four words put me in such a shock, I had to think it over again. Julian look worried, worried I wouldn't say what he wanted me to and risk not ever talking again if I did.

I grabbed his face in both of my hands a kissed him passionately. I felt electricity course throughout my body as he kissed me back. "Yes Jules", I said between kisses. I was done trying to play hard to get, I couldn't stand it anymore. Secretly, he had won this battle.

"Thank god, I thought you were gonna say no", he breathed out, kissing me again. I wanted nothing more than to be close to him and to kiss him. I dreamed for this to happen, the day he said we couldn't be together. And now we were, as one.

"I can't believe I left you", he broke the kiss,"It was horrible, I hated the world without you." My heart fluttered. His lips were red from kissing, I bet mine were too.

"Hey Jules?"
"Hmm?"
"Can we just cuddle?" I feared that my question made me sound too needy.
"Of course", he said with that adorable smile and tired eyes. He insisted on carrying me to my room. I tried to protest but he ended up doing it anyway.

We talked about random shit, from music taste to socks. If there's one thing I've learned about him tonight, it was that he had the most sexy, adorable laugh ever. I mean, I've heard him laugh before, but when he's in hysterics it's the most attractive thing on the face of the earth.

While we were talking, I started braiding his hair. He laughed when he saw the crappy braids I made. And as we continued to talk, I've never wanted to have sex with Julian as much as I did now. However, I resisted the urge, I wanted to surprise him.

By the end of the night, when we were falling asleep in each other's arms, I knew I loved him.

AN: Really long chapter oops but I won't be updating soon so early update and super long chapter for you dudes!