Wish I wasn't so shy

Lost In the Supermarket

Going who knows how long without Julian was going to be shite. I've already spent a week without him, plus two days of non stop crying from the burial and wake wasn't helping. And even with the depressing bubble around everyone in the household, my mom still had the energy to nag at me. The highlight of my days have been the calls I get from Jules.

Then back to nagging. Why don't you have a job? What happened to college, that was a lot of money Maya! What's this talk about you smoking? That stuff's bad for you. And who's this boy you talk to? Me and your father always thought you'd be a lesbian.

It was overwhelming. To top it all off, I was starting to get sick. I think I was coming down with something, maybe it was something in this Philadelphia air. I did spend most of my days introducing myself to my parents' neighbours, but avoided going outside too often. And I drew a lot, mostly on myself, which was yet another thing my mother would nag about.

Another con about coming back home was that I didn't get to sleep in. Now that my parents had a an extra pair of hands, I helped around. I still had to wake up early to take my younger brother Andy to school. I enjoyed that though, it was nice to drop him of at high school. It was hard to take in that he is a teenager now. We caught up on a lot of things too. I told him about Julian and the guys, and he told me about this girl he had a crush on. He seemed like he was having a good time. I wanted nothing more than for him to have a good time, considering my high school experience almost put me in a hospital.

Today was Friday however, and I was planning to take him out after I picked him up.

"Mi, someone's calling for you. His name's Julian, is that the boy you're dating? He says you're dating!" My dad yelled from the kitchen. I ran out of my old room and took the phone out of his hands.

"Thanks dad", I beamed and ran back to my room, shutting the door. "Jules thank god. I was gonna go crazy in this room."
"Glad I could help. How are you feeling? You still sick?"
"Eh sort of. My stomach still feels weird but I'm good."
"Great. Oh I read the note you left me in the journal."
"You haven't read it! I gave you that like 6 days ago."
"Yeah but I wanted to read it with you over the phone." I could hear his smile.
"No, you know I hate anything I write. It sounds stupid when it comes out of peoples' mouths."
"Stop, it's great. Ready?"
I rolled my eyes. "Fine..."

"I really don't have anything to say so I'll say everything. I think the first time I fell for you was the time I was cleaning your bloody lip and we were merely strangers. And when we made out for the first time, even when you were drunk you were still charming to me. Your eyes are like the fucking pieces of art de Vinci painted and your voice makes me melt. The fact that you're the spitting image of Holden Caufield makes you hotter and your political correctness turns me on. You're a great kisser and a dweeb, making the perfect boyfriend. You are ineffably Julian."

I faced palmed, embarrassed at my own writing.
"I can just imagine your cringe. You're so beautiful." He said. "And I can imagine you rolling your eyes. Am I right?"
"Correct Casablancas. You know me too well", I blushed. I could hear ruffling from the other end, and then small grunts.

"Albert stop", Julian laughed.
"Maya! I miss you and Julian refuses to let me talk to you", Albert screamed. He sounded like he was struggling to reach the phone.
"I miss you too Al", I said back.
"She says she misses you too", Julian echoed. I could hear Albert saying bitchin' and then leaving Julian alone. I giggled.

"Oh crap, Jules I gotta scram. I'm due to pick up my brother from school in like...", I check the clock, "Now."
"Aww noooooooo. Okay fine. Love you."
"Love you too. Don't get into trouble" I warned.
"No promises." We chuckled.
"Okay okay, I really need to go. Bye, I miss you, I'll talk to you later." I said in a ramble and he did the same until we both hung up.

• • •

Andy and I went to this cool store. It was a music store downstairs, and a movie store upstairs. It was everything I ever dreamed of. We peacefully looked around until I started feeling sick. The urge to puke was never this strong. Andy looked weary. "You okay Maya?" He put his shoulder around me, taking me outside. My palms felt clammy and my legs were like jello.

"I'm fine." I shut my eyes tightly, waiting out the nausea.
"I'll take you home", he said.
"Andy you don't know how to drive."
"I kinda do. And you're in no condition to drive."
I gave him a stern look. "This is the only time I'm doing this. Don't get us kill."
He smiled excitedly. "I promise."

I threw him the car keys and he took the wheel. The swerving throughout the ride definitely wasn't helping. The second we got home, I ran to the toilet and hurled. I sat on the floor, reaching the knob to flush it. Andy walked in, apologising for his reckless driving. I waved it off. He helped me back to my room. I took a nap in hopes it would make me feel better. I never took naps, I'm too on the edge to ever rest, but I did it with no sweat.

I wasn't awaken until dinner was ready. My father made his special chilli, which was my favourite as a child. But now it was making me feel sick. The smell especially was nauseating. I hardly touched it before excusing myself.

"I'm gonna go to pick up some medicine. I'll be back in ten", I told everyone. I drove down a local drug store. Hot Cheetos, doughnuts, slushies, it all sounded great. I was majorly PMSing. Then I remembered why I came here for.

I went to the medicine section, looking for something to help my upset tummy. I skimmed the shelves. Band aids, pain relief, nasal medicine, pregnancy test...ah ha stomach flu medicine!

I grabbed the medicine, but got sidetracked by the pregnancy test. I had a memory of when my friend and I bought a pregnancy test because we always wondered how that thing worked. We obviously weren't pregnant but we liked to mess with them anyway. For old time's sake, I got one, along with my medicine. Who knew a pregnancy test would be so nostalgic?

I went to the cashier. She was a middle aged woman, giving me this beaming smile. "Good luck", she said. I was confused.
"Thank you", I said almost like a question. Then I remembered I probably looked like a looney buying a pregnancy test. "Oh! Yeah thanks." I chuckled.

I knew that if Mom or Dad saw me messing with this they'd flip, so I went to the bathroom there. I hung my things on the little hook on the stall door. I peed on the little stick and waited. I thought back to the time with my friend, it was so fun. We would scare each other by telling one another that someday it will be a plus sign, just to watch the minus sign appear. It was kind of a relief too because there was a time when I was worried Jack may had impregnated me. That was the one time it wasn't fun and games.

I prepared to look at that great blue minus sign. I picked it up, looked at the minus sign. But that minus sign I had seen for years suddenly turned pink, and into a plus sign. I nearly screamed in the bathroom. It must be false, it has to be false. That fact that it made sense though scared me even more. I was feeling nauseous, craving junk, I also noticed I was two days late on my period but that's not a big difference so I didn't take much notice to it.

I started having a panic attack, right there in that crummy stall. What am I going to do? The only smart thing to do was to either stay home to get my mother's help, or get an abortion. No, Mom would kick me out and I'd have to think long and hard about an abortion. And what about Julian? Julian will leave me, he's not ready to be a father.

Farewell youth.

AN: Holy shit, right? I's watching the x-files while editing this so sorry if I missed something