Wish I wasn't so shy

On the Rocks

Julian and I flowed on with the days. He was extremely down most of time. As a matter of fact, he quit his job at the bar. Sometimes I had to convince him to do a gig because he wasn't even up to do that. It broke me into a million pieces to see him like this. I didn't know it would affect him that much.

The most eventful thing that happened was meeting Jeanette and Sam, Julian's parents. They were so loving and accepting towards me that I cried. Julian's mother cried with me because she was sad that she wouldn't become a grandmother. Of course I blamed it on myself, but she told me that this stuff happens all the time. Our men comforted us in this time.

But the problem was that we were both depressed zombies aimlessly living life. Our relationship was going in the dumps because we had no motivation to do anything besides lying down with each other.

Not to mention our sex life was practically dead. Naturally, Julian gets horny and will try to picking things up, but I can never pull through with it. I feared that he was getting annoyed that I wasn't up for it, especially after the surgery and such( which we learned that we would have had a boy), and I only hoped he would understand.

At least now I could smoke, but it didn't bring the same feeling anymore. I came to realise that I just preferred it when Julian smoked.

I worried that anytime now, Julian will get fucking wasted and return to that lifestyle. I've noticed he's been a little more high lately. I try not to let it bother me, but it's normal to worry about the love of my life becoming a drug addict on top of already being an alcoholic.

In a nutshell, things were not okay. I missed the first months of dating. The months that were filled with small meaningful presents, wonderful sex, and cute couple moments. When I would draw on his arm while he sang me a song or share secrets with each other. I missed us.

Julian wasn't even at my place as much anymore, so I decided to look for a job. But then thought again and just crawled back into my room. I grabbed my phone and called him.

"Hello", Nikolai answered.
"Hi, it's Maya-" Before I could finish my sentence, Niko called for Julian. I could hear heavy footsteps, then some talking in the back.

"Hey babe," Julian said cooly. He sounded too mellow to be sober. I teared up. I just needed someone right now and I didn't want my boyfriend like this.
"Hi", my voice squeaked.
"Are-are you okay?"
"What? Yeah I'm fine. I just wanted to see if you were fine."
"You're not fine", he stated. "I'll be over there in 10 minutes." And without a good bye, he hung up.

I tossed my phone across my bed and hid under my blankets until Julian got here. When he did, I could feel him standing there. Then he flopped on my bed, cuddling me.

I peaked out to see his eyes on me. "Hello there", he smiled. He was making my heart melt. I smiled back, but it vanished when I felt a lump in my throat.
"Look, I know we haven't been 100% but I want you to know that I love you and you are very important to me. You're my universe and if I ever lost you, the world will end. I haven't said or showed this enough to you lately but I should be."

My lip quivered as I tried to hold it in. But the dam just broke, releasing all this water. The weirdest thing was that Julian just looked at me with his arm loosely around my waist. He had no expression, he just looked at every inch of me. I rubbed my eyes.

"I love you too." I cried.
"Come on, I hate seeing you cry", he frowned, kissing my forehead. I wiped my tears away, taking a deep breath and trying to get a hold of myself. My lips twitched into a smile, assuring that I was okay. He smiled back, kissing my lips. It was the greatest feeling ever.

"Maya...I want to be honest with you so just hear me out, okay?" His eyebrows furrowed together. I got this feeling of anxiety when he said that.
"Okay", my words came out soft.
"I'm worried I'll fall back into this hole of drugs and alcohol. I was honestly high an hour ago. If it every gets out of control, lock me up in a rehab and leave me. Maybe then I'll learn." He spoke in a whisper, making it seem more dramatic than it already sounded. "But I also want to try again...try the whole baby thing." He seemed unsure and scared to bring this up.
"Jules-"
"God I'm sorry", he cut me off, "We just went through a lot with our baby and I don't mean to put this new weight on you. Just forget what I said, forget it." Julian was doing his frantic thinking again. I had to admit it was cute when he got like this, but I knew he only got like this when a lot was on his mind.

"Baby, I know how much it fucking sucks to have that memory with us and I know you wanted to become a dad, but we can't even take care of ourselves. Imagine how fucking oblivious we'd be?"
"My mum would help us", he added. Julian had this little hope in his eyes. It tore me apart trying to say no to that face.
"Julian, you have to understand one thing: I have a problem, you have a problem. We have problems. We need to take care of ourselves before we take care of anyone else."

He sighed, giving up. "I know.... " He sat at the edge of the bed with his back hunched over and his face in his hands. I got up, hugging his back and kissing his neck. "I'm sorry", I whispered.
"It only hurts because you're right", he replied.

Great, I hurt his feelings. I never wanted to do that. "Aw Jules." I sat down with my legs on either side of him while hugged tighter around his waist. I could hear his heart beat if I had my ear pressed against his back. He hugged my arms.

I kissed behind his ear, which led to sucking on his earlobe. "Maya", he moaned. He wanted to stop me but didn't have the self control. My hands roamed up and down his chest until they stopped at his belt buckle. I pulled it loose, zipping down his zipper but doing nothing more.

"We don't have to if you don't want to", I growled in his ear.
"I hate the power you have over me", he chuckled. "I can't turn down such an amazing opportunity." He turned to me and smirked, quickly glancing at my lips.

"Man's choice", I bit my lip. I tried to look appealing as possible, considering I was in my pyjamas and my hair was a mess.
"Goddamn you're sexy", he whispered before tackling me down, attacking my lips.

• • •

"I didn't think you had it in you to go for three rounds", I teased.
"We haven't had sex in almost two months, what did you expect?" He said, pulling my body close to his. Man, what a night.

His cheeks were flushed and his hair was slightly damp from sweat. He looked beautiful. Julian was looking at me, thinking about something. He was smiling, then he chuckled.

"What", I question.
"You moan so loud sometimes. I bet your neighbours heard." He was speaking in that low voice of his, making me completely melt.
I giggled, "oh shut up. It's not like you were so quiet yourself."

He blushed, shushing my giggles with a kiss. "Do you ever feel like kissing someone forever and never wanting it to end", Julian asked.
"Is that someone me?" I replied, batting my eyelashes.
"I was thinking more about Fabrizio but I guess you're okay." He tried to keep a straight face but failed. "Of course I'm talking about you."
"In that case, I do feel like that", I smiled. When Julian smiled back, I thought of the little velvet box in his closet.

Out of sheer panic, I dug my face in the crook of his neck. I never talked about seeing that box with anyone nor did I trust anyone enough.

"Mi? You okay?" I could feel the vibrations of him speaking.
"Yeah, you're just very cozy", I thought up. He was cozy, so I wasn't lying. Before I could comprehend what I was about to say, I asked Julian the golden question. "Jules, you want to move in with me?" I still had my face hidden against his chest.

He pulled back and looked at me now. "Really? You're not going to pull some April fools joke on me?"
"Babe, we're almost in October."
"I know, it's just a big deal. Yes, it would be an honour to live with you." He kissed me, turning off my lamp. Our naked bodies were smushed together so close that I could feel Julian's heart race against mine.

"Night darling." He smooched my forehead.
"Good night dweeb", I smiled, closing my eyes.