Wish I wasn't so shy

Too Young

I'm not ready for this kid. I'm too young, only 20 years old. Julian's too young. We are too young. All I wanted to do was lie in bed. Reaching for the cookies on my bedside, I thought about what girl Julian may have fucked last night. This thought only encouraged me to shove more food down my throat and I was starting to run low on cookies.

I opened the door to my room, ready to sprint out and search for more food before I started crying my eyes out, but almost tripped over Julian who was sleeping on the floor in front of my door. He was curled up on his side, snoring softly.

I sat down on the floor and caressed his hair. Slowly, his eyes flutter open. He picks his head up but lies back down causing his hair to fall in his face. Then, he shot up and ran to the bathroom, I'm guessing to release all the alcohol he consumed.

I waited for him on the floor. He walked back out like a zombie, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He sat himself next to me. He was looking at me, but I didn't have the guts to look back. How am I suppose to tell Julian I didn't want to be a mum anymore? He'd probably be happy to hear the news anyway...

"Can you please just-like...punch me in the face please." His morning voice still made me shiver. I finally looked at him.
"Maybe I will." I muttered.

He had a smile on his face, but it wasn't like a joyful one. It was the smile you put on that says, "yup I was kind of expecting that."

"We're too young", I whispered. He shot his head at me, looking at me like I was crazy. "Why are you giving me that look?"

"Well...'cause I really do care about this baby. Last night was...unexceptable. Of all the times I've gotten drunk and did shitty things, that one was the one I'd go back and fix. What did I even say? I only remember half of it." He shook his head, trying to remember.
"In a nutshell, you said this baby was going to ruin your life." His mouth hung open, he couldn't believe his own words.
"I hate myself." He hung his head inbetween his knees. I put an arm around him, kissing just above his ear. "It was bad enough that I called you pest, which is not true and I'm really sorry about that. You shouldn't be this accepting towards this situation. Like this is beyond okay. Why do you continue to deal with me? I can't even deal with me", he rambled on.

I took this question to heart, finding a truthful answer. "You know what...I don't know. I think I just love you too much. I think I know that I can help you and you can help me. I think its because you've saved me so many times." I got a lump in my throat just talking about it. I don't know if it was the hormones or my unstable mentality, or both. I thought I even saw Julian get a bit teary eyed.

He slouched down so now he was eye-level with my abdomen, putting a warm hand against it. "Maybe you're old enough to talk to now." His voice was smooth and melted into my ears. "I'm sorry I was such a jackass. You're going to be the best little dudette, o-or dude, in the world. What ever I said about you in the past had no meaning to it, I was kidding. I may be too stupid to realise this, but you'll probably be the most important thing in my life, next to your mother."

If I thought I wanted to cry before, I was kidding myself. This made me want to fucking bawl. And that was exactly what I did. When Julian sat back up to comfort me, I could see a tear stain on his left cheek. I quickly turned into a sobbing mess, with hair sticking to face and getting a runny nose.

"Man, I feel gross", I laughed-cried.
"You look great", Julian rejoiced.
"Thanks babe." And just like that, we were back on track and ready to take on anything.

AN: yup so that happened. I stayed home from school because I didn't do any of my homework...oops, but it gave me time to update :)