Wish I wasn't so shy

The Hard Truth

Today was the day that we receive the information of our future; our baby. Julian woke me up extra early because he was excited. I loved seeing him like this, the way his eyes light up and his mouth constantly in a smile. He even made me get into the shower with him.

"Maya I have butterflies", he exclaimed, hugging me as the warm droplets hit our bodies. I kissed his cheek, telling him I felt the same way.
"I don't want to get ahead of myself but I even started thinking of names."
I chuckle. "I kinda have some names too."
"You tell me first, I only have a name for a girl." He said.
"Well I was thinking Francis because it's unisex and Kurt." I smiled.
"Like Cobain?" Julian teased.
"No, like Vonnegut, he's my favourite author. I just realised that Kurt Cobain's daughter is named Francis...what a coincidence."

"Oh yeah no shit. But those are great names. I really like the name Celeste", he smiled, washing the soap out of his hair.
"Really? I love that name too."
"So...if it's a girl, do we have a name settled?" He asked slowly.
"Definitely."

• • •

We sat in the waiting room of a hospital. It had that distinct hospital smell and that eerie lighting. Julian's hand was sweaty and he constantly tapped his foot and nibble on the nails of the hand that wasn't tightly gripping mine.

"Baby, it's gonna be fine", I whispered to him, kissing his cheekbone. He didn't even look at me, he was dozed off, but soon came back to earth.
"Sorry, it's...it's weird but joyous at the same time. I don't know." He looked at me, smirked lightly and then pecked my lips, assuring me not to worry.

"Maya Casablancas", the nurse called. I laughed, looking at Julian. "You did not."
"I did", he said. It had a nice ring to it, Maya Casablancas.

We followed the nurse to a dark room with one of those therapy looking couches and a monitor next to it. "I'll have you sit right there Mrs. Casablancas."

I blushed, lying on the seat covered in wax paper, which crinkled as I did. Julian sat on the chair right next to me, massaging my knuckles. The nurse notice how nervous Julian wa, smiling down at her clip board.

"You must be the father", she asked him.
"Do I show it", he chuckled.
"This is always a big milestone for the parents, I can understand why you're so nervous." She said. "Okay, I'm going to just lift up your shirt a little." She pulled my shirt up and rested it upon my bump. "Now you were complaining about cramps, correct?"
"Yeah, just want to make sure everything is okay", I replied.

She then applied this cool jelly substance on my stomach, rubbing around with a the transducer that detected the heart beat. Julian glued his eyes to the monitor. I looked too.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she seemed to have trouble looking for something. "I can't seem to find the heartbeat", she said more to herself.
"What? What does that mean?" I panicked.

She ignored my question, roaming around in hopes of finding something. I looked at Julian, who looked at me and kissing my hand. He kept my hand close to his lips, his eyes glossy.

"Well you were saying you had cramps. That's usually a sign of a miscarriage. That and vaginal bleeding."
"But I never bled. And I didn't smoke or drink." I wanted to believe this lady was playing some sick joke on me.
"Sometimes it happens by chance" she said as she cleaned the gel off my stomach.

Without permission, my cheeks became wet.
"Can we at least find out what gender it is", I asked. I didn't look at Julian, but I felt a tear drop land on my hand.
"After we have it taken out, possibly. We'll see what we can do. I'm very sorry. I'll leave you two alone for a moment", she explained sympathetically and closed the door softly.

Julian rested his head on my shoulder, not even looking at me. I put me cheek against his head and cried, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He lifted his head and I saw his tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. "It's not your fault." Julian could hardly speak. I hated seeing him like this.
"I let you down...just when we planned on having this baby it-it...", I couldn't bring myself to say it. It died.
"Don't say that", his voice cracked. I sat up on the seat and Julian put his head against my stomach. I cradled his his head while he cried.

"Come on Jules, let's go home." My voice shaked. He squeezed me a little tighter but got up. I had never seen Julian cry this much. I just wanted to comfort him and give him a family. He was so excited. Just minutes ago he was telling me how happy he was, and now I crushed it.

We walked down the hall and made an appointment. I'd be coming back tomorrow to take it out.

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Chances are this won't happen if you try again unless you drink or smoke while you're pregnant. Don't let this stop you", the nurse assured. We thanked her and walked back to our car.

It was silent all the way home. We weren't in the mood to talk. I looked out the window, taking in the city life. I tried to look at the bright side, thinking this was no place for a child anyway. We'd probably want our kid to grow up in a nicer part of Manhattan.

We got to my place and sat quietly on the sofa. I hugged my knees and Julian hugged me.

"I guess I should tell my mum. I never told you but she knew the day after you told me", he mumbled.
"Yeah...I wanna meet your mother. We've been through all of this and I still haven't met her." I tried joking but my whole aura wasn't feeling it.
"Soon. I'm gonna call right now so I can just get it all out. When are you telling your parents?"
"Shit...I don't know. Maybe never.."

Julian tried to smile but failed. He knew it would probably take me a year to tell them anything. As a response, I pressed my lips together and nodded. He grabbed my telephone and dialled some numbers.

"Hi Mom...do I show it in my voice", he chuckled. I couldn't hear what was going on on the other end. "I actually have some bad news." His eyes watered again. He took a deep breath before saying anything. "Uhm...Maya had a miscarriage, we're not having the baby." Julian kept himself under control pretty well as he secretly cried.

For a while Julian didn't say anything, just listened and nodded and rubbed his nose every now and then. My eyes started to water again just watching him. I put my head on his shoulder, hugging his waist. He put his free hand around me.

"Thanks Mom...I'll come and visit soon...yes she'll definitely come. Tell Sam I said hi...okay love you." He hung up, sighing.

"That was the hardest thing I've ever had to say." His voice was hoarse.
"I guess we should tell the guys now too. I'll tell them", I said, taking the phone from Julian.

I rang up each of their numbers, telling them the same thing: I had a miscarriage, we're not having a baby. After the third time, it was numbing my brain. It was like I didn't know how to react to it anymore. Julian still teared up when he heard those words.

We both had a hard time sleeping that night, so we stayed up till 3 singing and playing the guitar. That's how it went down in my family when something was wrong, and Julian always did it when he was down, so why not carry on the tradition together?

When I was able to sleep, I had the urge to sleep for 1000 more years.

AN: I have very little knowledge about medical related things so sorry if you have a vast knowledge and I'm totally wrong about this whole chapter. Anyway that was very emotional, right? I teared up just writing...And a huge thanks to all of you for getting me to 4K!!!!