WHERE TO NOW? (M/M) 18+

Chapter 36

Damien.

My feet crunched under crisp, wet leaves as I trudged through the forest. The darkness cloaked me from prying eyes, the type of seclusion and isolation I always liked.

But right now it felt heavy, tainted. Like the anger inside me wouldn't let me enjoy this. Like the whirlpool of guilt I had was a physical entity trying to tear me apart from the inside out.

I wanted to go back, apologise to Samuel for making him believe I was using him. I'd tried to talk to him about my outburst, why I'd abruptly left him alone in the van after what happened between us...

Fuck, I was so caught up in him. The way his hips moved and the sounds he made. His sweet scent wrapped around me, intoxicating, and I was drunk off the pleasure it gave me. Ever since I saw him touching himself, I hadn't been able to get the image out of my head. His pink nose and flushed cheeks. The slight arch in his spine from the pleasure. The way his hooded brown eyes burned with need as he pulled his shirt tort between his teeth to muffle the sweet moans escaping him. That was when he had me. That was when I knew I was fucked. Hell, maybe it was even before that.

I didn't see anything. Thank god I didn't, because if I'd have seen all of him that day I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from climbing on top of him and finishing him off myself. To give him that release he so desperately craved. But feeling him grind against me earlier, I couldn't even explain it. I wanted it. Fuck, I wanted it so badly. But something inside me wanted it more. I felt it under my skin, clawing its way to get out.

I was mad at first when he told me he didn't care if Kieran saw. I was so riddled with jealousy at the thought of him watching him like that; watching him jerk with the pleasure I gave him. I didn't care either, but I'm sure our reasons were very different. I didn't care if he watched me devour him, unravelling him for my own enjoyment and edging him until I was satisfied. I did care if Kieran enjoyed it, enjoyed the faces he made and grew hard watching what I did to him.

When he said that Kieran was open about those things, I will admit I became a little irrational. I'd been torturing myself this whole time, not knowing what went on between them. It bothered me. I'd almost convinced myself that Sam didn't have sex with him until he made that comment. But then it felt like they wanted me to be part of some fucked up three-way relationship or something.

I still had no idea if he fucked Kieran or not, and the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I became. I didn't mean to take it out on him and leave like that, but I was so angry. Even now, knowing I was incredibly wrong, that he didn't mean what I thought he did, I was still angry. Angry that he was with Kieran, confiding in him instead of just letting me talk.

I wanted to talk to him after everything happened, to tell him that I was wrong and that I was sorry for the way that I acted, but he didn't want to hear it. He asked me point blank if I was using him, and I said nothing. Honestly, the question shocked me. I didn't know how to respond to it, and I couldn't hold him there knowing what I'd unintentionally admitted too. Feeling his wrist slip from my hand twisted my stomach and sent a wave of guilt crashing into me, yet I had no words to correct myself.

I wanted to get away from everyone, I needed to. I needed time to think. That's why I was out here, standing in the darkness.

I was confusing him, I knew that, but I couldn't tell him the truth. What even was the truth, did I even know? When I thought about how I felt about him, I got confused. So how the hell was I supposed to explain it to him?

I couldn't control it sometimes. The way my body reacted to his. Sometimes I found myself moving without realising it, but I knew I did at the same time. Like I was in a sort of dazed state and my mind was all clouded, but I could still feel myself making decisions. And the next thing I know, Samuels really close to me, completely flushed and beautiful. I say things I shouldn't say, touch him in ways I shouldn't touch. It worried me sometimes, the things I wanted to do to him, and knowing that I didn't have full control. Knowing that at any moment, I could do something I could never take back. Crossing that line and having to live with the consequences.