WHERE TO NOW? (M/M) 18+

Chapter 38

Damien.

He looked so peaceful, laying there on the pillow beside me. His face was red, stained from all the tears I made him shed. I didn't mean to do that, I didn't mean to make him so confused.

I wasn't lying down on the pillows with him, I kept my head propped up with my elbow, my knuckles curled against my jaw. Pins and needles had taken over my arm long ago but I didn't care. I wanted to look at him, to see all the pain I had caused him and let it burn into my memory. I wanted to know exactly what I did to him, to know just how much I should hate myself.

Even in this state, he was beautiful, with his red eyes and tear stricken cheeks. The way his hair fell into his eyes, messy from his exhaustion.

I gently brushed his hair aside, combing it behind his ear to look at him.

I knew he didn't hate me, not really. He hated what I did to him, the confusion and pain I gave him. I never meant to do that. I never meant to get tangled up with him, or anyone for that matter. But this little persistent kid had somehow clawed his way through my walls and gotten in under my skin, and there was nothing I could do about it. He was stubborn, relentless in making me want him, and my god how I wanted him.

But it seemed all I did was hurt him, push him away and break him. Like it was something I was prone to do with something so fragile.

I didn't understand why I kept doing that, maybe it was because I didn't know how to show him, how to tell him he meant something to me. Maybe it was because I didn't know exactly what I felt to begin with or maybe it was because all of this, every inch of it was completely new to me. But that didn't matter, he deserved so much more than this. So much more than what I could give him.

I let out a heavy breath, feeling a burning sting behind my eyes as I watched him. I closed my eyes, pushing back the pain.

I knew I confused him, but he confused me too. He confused the parts of me that didn't want anyone close, the parts that yearned to be alone. I didn't understand how he could do that to me, how he managed to make me want things I hadn't wanted in years. But I guess that was all part of his charm.

He let out a breath, and my eyes opened to look at him.

He was nuzzling his face into the pillow, his hands curled into his chest as he buried his head into himself.

I sighed, frustrated yet again with how much I'd managed to screw this up. I silently watched him as the guilt and frustration pooled to the surface and my eyes welled with the pain I tried so desperately to hold back.

I kept hurting him. No matter what I did. That's all I did...

I blinked, fighting against the tears but they formed all the same, teetering on falling down my face as I watched him quietly breathe. I gritted my teeth.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I tore my eyes away from him, letting out a heavy breath to try and calm myself before looking back at him.

He looked so calm nestled into himself like that, so small. The dreams I'd have, the agony I'd see in his eyes was sobering, but to see him now, safe and warm, it filled me with a sort of contentment. A soothing that swirled deep within my chest and settled the terrifying thoughts I relived in my mind, even if that was the only comfort I had to hold onto right now.

I could feel the drowsiness coming back, the darkness creeping into my vision like a frequent, uninvited visitor. It twisted my sense of reality, leaving me dazed and confused. I fought to keep myself awake, to watch him for just a little longer. I needed too, to convince myself I still wasn't dreaming and that he really was safe, that he wouldn't be torn from me again and I'd be forced to watch him suffer.

My hand found his cheek, gently caressing his flushed skin. He hummed quietly in his sleep, and I couldn't help the way my lips twitched into a small smile. Jesus, what the fuck have you done to me.

I wanted to stay awake, but I could barely keep my eyes open. My mind was foggy, clouded. I wasn't tired per-se, just woozy, drunk without the bittersweet taste of alcohol.

I rolled onto my back, throwing my arm over my eyes when the piercing pain shot through my back, I let out a quiet hiss as I winced in pain.

"Are you alright?" Samuel asked, groggily.

I let my arm fall away to see him lifting himself up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. His hair was an absolute mess, a little tangled and curling abit at the ends, a testament to how well he'd slept. His cheeks were still flushed with pink, his eyes growing puffy from the rubbing when he looked over at me with one eye half open and the other shut completely.

I sighed to myself.

He was so fucking adorable.