The Hot Hockey Player

Chapter 33 - Madeline🌸

After dropping off Jude and Colin at the airport, I'm heading straight to my classes. It's going to be a quiet day but I know it'll feel even longer than usual because I won't get to see Jude tonight. I'm trying to put my mind around my feelings for the man. Those emotions are new to me. Very new but also very welcome. I'm still a bit afraid of my reactions. It all happened so quickly. I should be afraid, a bit resistant. And yet, I'm throwing myself into the lion's den. Jude has been nothing but reassuring, especially since the drama with his sister. 

Anyway, I'm gladly welcoming those sensations, even though they're foreign to me. 

And one that really stuck with me. Sadness. Whenever Jude's not with me, I feel a sadness rushing over me. A sadness I never felt before, not even when my parents didn't give me the time of the day, not when Matthew left, not when I decided I won't spend any more summers with my grandparents. A tightness in my chest, certainly a symptom of the anxiety that never leaves me when the day of Jude's departure approaches. Until now, I tried to make the most of the time we have left, but reality catch up with me all to quickly. And I leaned to know myself. I know this is triggered by something. I've yet to find out what it is.

This is actually the first time Jude's going away for so long. And right now, I'm just sad that I can't go with him. But even if I had the money to do it, I won't be able to miss my classes. I can't allow myself to lack in class. I'm here thanks to my brother's help and I need to pass all of them, to make him proud and to make myself proud. One thing I've learned from Jude is that I need to believe in myself and do things for me first.

I arrive in the parking lot half an hour later and rush into the building because I'm cutting it close. Just in time, I slide into the seat next to Sofia. 

"Hey, thanks for saving me a seat," I say, slightly out of breath. 

She winks at me. "No problem. It would have been a long two hours if I had to sit through this class alone."

"Exactly," I reply with a laugh, shaking my head. "And for both of us."

We giggle quietly making small talk as we wait for the professor. I tell her everything about my time with Jude. Well... almost everything because she doesn't need to know every little details and I'm sure she won't be to happy to hear about them.

"So you and Jude are good together, huh ?" She asks me, propped up on her elbow, her head resting lightly on her left hand.

I smile softly before answering, more joyful emotions coursing through me.  "Yeah. Everything's great. Despite a few things here and there." I shrug off my own words, still unsure how to process it all.

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, a few things, like you said."

She basically knows everything that went wrong the other day. She really helped me through it until Jude came and tried his hardest to apologize. We ended up having a big, much-needed conversation. And after that, I kept sharing things with Sofia, asking for her opinion on things. 

She didn't want to tell me how to do things, but she shares her perspective. And honestly ? It works better for me. I'd rather have a friend who doesn't dictate my actions. Having a friend who helps me figure things out instead is exactly what I need.  My ability to make decisions for myself has felt nonexistent for the past few years, so having someone who understand and gives me the space to make decisions all over again — while still giving me advices — is the best support I could ask for. And it goes both ways actually. But we've agreed that if one of us is about to make a truly wrong move, we'd merge in.

"He agreed to celebrate Thanksgiving with Matthew, his girlfriend and me," I tell her.

Sofia sits up straighter and gently claps her hands, trying to be discreet despite the noise in the lecture hall. "That's amazing ! I told you girl. He'd totally go for it."